bowling birthday party fiasco

Posted on: Wed, 11/22/2000 - 12:16pm
California Mom's picture
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Joined: 07/14/2000 - 09:00

I had a very upsetting experience last weekend when I took my pa daughter to a friend

Posted on: Wed, 11/22/2000 - 2:08pm
Sandra Y's picture
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Joined: 08/22/2000 - 09:00

Wow, I'm really sorry you're feeling so upset--I don't blame you. The thing is, your PA daughter was an invited guest, and the hostess shouldn't be serving something that is so dangerous for her. My daughter had a birthday party this weekend and one of her guests is diabetic--I worked everything out with her mother ahead of time and conferred with her throughout the party (she had to stay to administer medication). I can't imagine arguing with another parent about something like that. What a crummy hostess she is!
Even though you may be feeling bad/mad/conflicted about the whole incident, it sounds to me like you handled it perfectly. It's normal to have some misgivings after such a sticky social situation. I understand why you wouldn't want to hash it out with her any more, and you definitely should NOT apologize.
I know what you mean about that dizzy feeling when you realized she was passing out peanut butter. That happened to me once when I brought my son to preschool and I could smell peanut butter! I got hot and my heart started beating real hard. I was thinking, 'Oh, sh-- now I've got to confront someone about pb.' Luckily, one of the moms left and the smell went with her!
I think these are some of the toughest social situations to deal with. When my non-PA daughter goes to parties or visits with friends, I can't believe how simple and stress-free it is not having to worry about what she might eat.
Well, if you're anything like me, you're replaying that incident over and over in your head, fuming, and thinking of all the brilliant things you could have said or done to drive your point home and put that ninny in her place. Some people are just thick. I think you handled it just right. Best wishes.

Posted on: Wed, 11/22/2000 - 2:17pm
CVB in CA's picture
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Joined: 10/15/1999 - 09:00

Well, you had to do it or take your child from the party. Or clean every bowling ball somehow ?!
This woman obviously has no clue. She thought she was being very responsible no doubt to ask you about the chips! I'm sure she had no intent to give YOUR child the pb crackers, but couldn't realize she shouldn't have served the wretched things at all. Especially right next to your daughter.
You may want to try and explain...later. Maybe a lot later.
You are right not to leave your kids with her. It may be too much to expect for her to educate herself, and probably too much information would go wrong also. Let this ride for awhile, then maybe try to explain touch sensitivity by using another example.

Posted on: Thu, 11/23/2000 - 12:06am
katiee's picture
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Joined: 05/09/2001 - 09:00

How perfectly horrible for you. You know, I hate to admit it, but some people will NEVER get it (I can think of a few family members myself).
What upset me more about your post was learning that the woman in question is a dietician. We ran into a situation in hospital with my PA son and were seen by a dietician who was negligent in her food suggestions for my son all the while being perfectly aware of his PA. Makes you wonder about the profession in general.
You were perfectly within your rights as a parent protecting your daughter from harm. I think you handeled it much better than I would have (Irish/French temper!). You owe this woman NOTHING! In fact I think that if she does not clue in to the reason(S) why you are so upset with her, you may want to consider the value of the friendship at all?
I understand how you felt about not wanting to educate her or the other parents at that particular time, sometimes this allergy can be so frustrating, or more to the point, peoples lack of understanding can be the most frustrating aspect of this allergy.
Not sure if this helps at all but don't beat yourself up! It's her ignorance not your actions at the party that caused the conflict. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]
Take care!
Katiee (Wade's mom)

Posted on: Sun, 11/26/2000 - 5:48am
California Mom's picture
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Joined: 07/14/2000 - 09:00

Thanks so much for the replies. It really helped me to post that experience here, and to receive the caring and compassionate feed back that I did. Thank you!!!

Posted on: Sun, 11/26/2000 - 6:14am
Joanne's picture
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Joined: 02/22/1999 - 09:00

Sounds like you did a great job in handling an unexpected tricky situation! You addressed the situation in a calm and direct manner with your daughter's safety as your top priority.
I don't think situations where we unexpectedly encounter peanuts in social situations will stop happening, unfortunately. Even if you bring it up with the host/hostess/etc ahead of time, sometimes there are still peanuts. It was probably a good experience for your daughter to see how you handled the situation; she is learning from you how to manage this allergy.
I know the faint feeling you describe--something similar happened to me once and it was almost like an out-of-body experience. Must be a protective mom thing!
By the way, how old is your daughter? I'm still accompanying my 7 year old multiple food allergy child to birthday parties.

Posted on: Mon, 11/27/2000 - 5:06am
Heather's picture
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Joined: 10/08/2006 - 09:00

I think you handled the situation very well. I just learned a little something from you and now I'll know what to do if the same situation arises for me. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Posted on: Mon, 11/27/2000 - 7:45am
anonymous's picture
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Joined: 05/28/2009 - 16:42

California Mom: Well done...I hope I have as much ability to be calm yet direct when advocating for my child in the future. I definitely know the faint, out of body feeling you get when a dangerous food product is suddenly near your child...At my older son's football game, two days ago, my friend's baby was trying to give my 22 month old a peanut butter cracker sandwich (they were seated in strollers next to each other). I was cheering for my son, and almost didn't see my PA baby reaching for the peanut butter cracker. I pulled my stroller away violently, and had to catch my breath...it was like I went deaf to the sounds all around me. I moved and stayed far away from these "friends" who, I thought, were very aware of my baby's allergies and how serious they are. I had images in my head all night...if he'd touched the PB or gotten the cracker to his mouth.. of him going into anaphalaxis...the whole thing. I'll have to be so much more vigilant in the future...it's hard when you have other kids who need your attention too!

Posted on: Mon, 11/27/2000 - 3:15pm
Anonymous's picture
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California Mom, this woman knows that your daughter is PA? I think you handled the situation absolutely perfectly (I don't think I would have been able to, and yet strive to be able to do so). Have you heard from the woman since?
I actually didn't read anything in your post that I would consider socially unacceptable. I thought you handled it beautifully and your daughter did, in fact, see that for future reference.
As far as trying to educate other people re PA, I find it really depends on the person and their openness to be enlightened. I have one friend, who I had an incident with last fall, and after the incident, she went out of her way to ask me to educate her.
I have another friend who considers herself very PA aware and yet when I walked into her home the other day, what's sitting there? A bowl of peanuts. I was very thankful Jesse wasn't with me. I'm not clear that if Jesse was with me she would have removed them. I know that the other woman would have but I am really not clear about the 2nd one.
I also think that when an incident is actually occurring and even in it's aftermath, it's very difficult for us to respond with educational material for other people sitting around who have witnessed what has happened, etc. because we are SO shaken despite the fact that we may appear calm. I know in another Mother's thread about an "incident" she was unable to receive support from other Mothers at the time. It's simply impossible.
It's up to you, of course, where you take it from here, but I don't think you did anything wrong and I certainly feel you should NOT apologize to this woman. If it were me, I think I'd actually let this "friend" come to me first.
And you know what I really liked about your post, despite having to read about the horrible experience you had, you knew you could come here and post about it! That's what I continue to find so wonderful about this site. If I didn't have it, sometimes I think my head would explode, especially when it has to do with something like this. Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
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Posted on: Thu, 12/21/2000 - 12:34am
California Mom's picture
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Joined: 07/14/2000 - 09:00

I really appreciate all the comments I got regarding my original post. I just want to add what happened at my daughter's birthday party this past Sunday:
I invited the child who had the bowling party, and guess what was tied to the top of the present she gave my daughter, as a decoration? A little bag of unsafe Hanukkah Gelt (gold foil wrapped chocolate coins)! It had "peanut traces" right on the ingredient label.
From another parent I would have just excused their ignorance. From this one, it burned me up a bit. She still hasn't gotten it!!!
What was really a bummer was that Leah was so excited to receive the Hanukkah Gelt. She seemed so disappointed when I told her it wasn't safe. Even though I ordered her two packages of it from Vermont Nut Free, and I told her we would trade. I guess the reality of the restrictions on her life is beginning to sink in.
Anyway, this obviously isn't the biggest deal in the world - but I just thought I would add to this thread since it involved the same woman.
Happy Holidays to all!

Posted on: Fri, 01/10/2003 - 5:51am
California Mom's picture
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Joined: 07/14/2000 - 09:00

Re-raising for BS312.
In case anyone is interested: I have totally dropped my "friendship" with this woman and I do not miss her a bit! Fortunately my daughter was not close friends with her child and they attend different schools, so that hasn't been a problem either. Thanks again to everyone who offered such amazing support while I was going through such a difficult time.

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