I have just found out that a birthday party my 4 1/2 yo pa son was invited to tomorrow would be serving pb sandwiches along with other things because it is 'the only thing' another child going to the party will eat. Of course I don't plan on sending my son now because she wrote on the invitations to drop the kids off and pick them up at a certain time. He is not going. I had already said to the mom "Brett is looking forward to the party. Are you having any pb items this year?" (because she had them last year) and she said yes and explained what and why. I think it's funny that she is so accomodating to this other child who can't live without pb when my child can't live with it. I guess I was dumbstruck and the only thing I said was that I would be staying at the party with him then. So here's the question. Do I call her tomorrow and tell her he woke up sick or something or just tell the truth and say I am not comfortable with him being there at all even if I stay? I know the right thing to do is tell her the truth and considering the lack of consideration on her part I don't know why I am worried about hurting her feelings at all. I guess I know what to say. I just wanted to get some reinforcement and support from you all since you understand!
birthday party tomorrow
Posted on: Sat, 10/14/2000 - 6:34am
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Here's the options I see. 1. Don't go at all (either call with excuse or the truth) or 2. Take your child to the party, stay with him and when they bring out the food say goodbye and take your son out for a special treat somewhere else. Your decision has to be based on your comfort levels with the fact that pb is near and your son's sensitivity level. If you do decide to go, make sure and tell your son ahead of time what your plan is so that he knows you'll be leaving before the party is over.
I can't believe that peanut butter sandwiches are "the only thing" that other child will eat! I think that it's cruel to invite your son and serve p.b. sandwiches when she knows your child is allergic to p.b. Can't she serve pizza? Or what about cheeseburgers? Is she nice enough to take any suggestions from you? Kids do not care what they are eating at birthday parties (except maybe for cake and ice cream) all they want to do is play games with the other kids. A friend of mine just had a birthday party for her daughter (she turned 2). They served pizza and had a platter of veggies!! She told me she would not be serving ANYTHING with peanuts or nuts because she really wanted my son to go to the party. The kids loved it and my son was enjoying himself (I was also able to relax). The kids played games and had a blast with water balloons!
Maybe your son could go to the party and just leave before they eat. I support you 100% with whatever you think is safe for your son! Good luck and let us know what happens.
Did you let him go last year when there were pb items? I think it's ridiculous to accomodate a child who "won't eat anything else" at the expense of your child. The other child could have lunch or a big snack before attending.
If you decide not to attend, I would tell the truth. What I don't understand is, it sounds like you already knew there would be pb items and you said you would stay. But now you just found out about the sandwiches? I'm not sure I understand the sequence of events. But anyway, I would tell the truth--something like "I'm sorry this other child won't eat anything else, but I won't be bringing my son now because it is too dangerous for him."
I agree... tell the truth. It will be a learning experience for that person. I also have to echo what you yourself said: " I think it's funny that she is so accomodating to this other child who can't live without pb when my child can't live with it." Here are the facts concerning that statement : the other child WILL NOT DIE without pb!! your child COULD DIE if, God forbid, something happens because the pb is there - even if YOU are there. Accidents do happen. I wouldn't take my child, personally, and I'd tell the truth why. I have taken my child places where there were questionable foods, and he just didn't eat or come in direct contact with them, but not pb. We would avoid that situation completely. Good luck, whatever you decide!
Tell the truth, along with a sweet sounding voice (pissed off though you are, it won't help to show it!). It is really unreasonable for people to expect us to compromise on this, and it's never too early to show our kids how to take a stand with confidence. We certainly don't want to communicate to them that this is something to be ashamed of.
Good luck whatever you decide.
That's too bad. I don't know what kind of temperament your child has, but going to the party and leaving early would just not work with my son. He would be absolutely crushed.
Like many of the other posts, I would tell her the truth and just not go. How much fun could both of you really have if you were worrying the whole time about a reaction. I just don't think it would be worth it.
Maybe if you told her exactly why you can't come, she'll voluntarily change her lunch menu to accommodate you. If she doesn't, then you know where you stand. Simple as that.
Why can't the other child have his beloved pb sandwich before he comes to the party?? That way the needs of everyone will be met and everyone would be able to attend the party.
Hopefully everything will work out for you. Maybe once things are explained to her in a nice way, she'll surprise you! Good luck! Deanna
Hi everyone,
Thanks for the input! You all are really great. I haven't called her yet (it's 8:15). I will call her when I get home from church. To clarify the sequence of events-I was out of town and did not rsvp til I saw the mom in the parking lot of the grocery store yesterday morning. That's when I said he was looking forward to it, was she serving pb. She said yes and why and then I said (stammering) uh, I guess I'll be staying with him. I should have said right off that I wasn't comfortable with that and he wouldn't be coming, but you know how it is sometimes. It's hard to come right out and say it sometimes, at least it is for me. Her daughter is best friends with the child that won't eat 'anything' except pb so I don't think she'll take it off the menu for Brett. Last year they were all still young enough that all the moms stayed for the party. When I saw she had pb sandwiches along with other food, I watched Brett like a hawk but stayed and was uncomfortable the whole time. I've kicked myself for all the times I've done that. These certain women that are the moms of this little play group all know that Brett is anaphylactic to peanuts, but 3 of them have served pb at parties anyway. This will be the second time for this mom. To tell you the truth it has been over a year since I've gotten together with any of them with the kids except for parties we are all invited to. I think it is time to make a stand and just tell her why we aren't coming, to thank her for the invitation and send the gift over later. She had all the food out buffet style last year when we arrived and people ate the whole time, so it probably wouldn't work out to go til they started eating. Plus, I don't think I could leave the party early and it not upset Brett. I'll write back after I talk to her. Thanks again to all who responded with such great support!!
Well, I agree with everyone else here. If you decide not to go to the party tell the truth. It's the only way these people will learn you are serious about your son's allergy. Isn't it unbelievable that people still show such lack of understanding? I took my son to one party after clearing the food with the mom, pizza will be served, cake from the bakery that specializes in nut-free cakes, etc, only to get there and find dishes of peanuts laid out alongside the potato chips on every table top! Mom's response was, well you asked about peanut butter, not peanuts...duh! We had to leave that party because the guests had already started munching and my son does react with smell.
Good luck, if you choose not to attend take your son somewhere special so he's not too disappointed.!
Ok, I just called her. She was very nice and understanding. She said she had just told her 13 yo daughter that they were going to have to be super careful because of Brett and they weren't going to let him get a hold of anything he wasn't supposed to have. I told her how much I appreciated her remembering that but he has reacted to just touching residue (a few hives) and I never expect anyone to change their plans, but I was just not comfortable with him being there around it. She was actually very sweet and said the games and playing was going to be in the game room and all the food would stay in the kitchen and I could play it by ear and if I wanted to walk down and join them at all, she'd love to have us. I'm glad I told her the truth and I'm really glad she didn't get snippy about it. I still don't think we'll go. To tell you the truth, my son would enjoy it but he'd be just as happy going with me and his big brother to the park or something. My husband's out of town so we may just take the afternoon to go do something else fun by ourselves. Thanks again for all the ideas!
Good for you!! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
[This message has been edited by Lam (edited October 15, 2000).]
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