Angry 4 year old


My 4 year old daughter has recently become very openly angry and hurt over her PA allergy. Over easter a sub-teacher at daycare gave out goodie bags, which happened to have an unlabeled candy. My daughter was devastated when she found out she couldn't have it, and cryed all night. I know children must deal with so many emotional blows due to their allergies, so my question, Any ideas on how to help deal with these feelings, to make something so hurtfull, alittle less painfull?

On Apr 28, 2000

My daughter is only 2 1/2 and I have had an experience also.The other day all the kids were riding their bikes in our cultisac,which is alot of kids12}which they always do on nice neighbours know that she is alergic to peanuts.Well one of the moms decided to hand out popcicles ,I asked her to read the lable first.Well it said may contain nuts ,it was made by Nestle.I said she can't have that so I will give everbody a feezie instead.Well what does she do ,she gives them all one anyway hoping she had a different kind in the freezier.So heres my daughter looing at me with tears in her eyes and her hands out "mommy mommy"well I could have rang that womens neck.I felt so bad for my daughter she was being left out .So I gave her a freezie and that was fine,but I had to watch her so carefully that she didn't share it with someone else.So what do you do?Its going to happen again and again.My neighbour should have known better not to do that and that this was going to happen.Just like at daycare they should have given the children all the same peanut free items...sub or not she should have been breifed before hand.I would give the daycare ka ka for that.thats just not fair for your daughter to be left out.The kids can have that kind of chocolate given to them at home but not there.......just my opinion,and I stand behind it!

On Apr 28, 2000

My 6 year old won a 7 lb choc bunny in a coloring contest. Store calls her to tell her she has won. When we go down it has peanuts.

She gave the bunny to a local food bank in time for Easter. In lieu of the bunny we took her to Toys-R-Us and she got a ball. While upset for a the short term she now focused on the family that would get the bunny and how happy they would be.

Let her be angry, then re-direct. She was very upset but, she had a violent reaction at age 3 and she can tell you vivid details. She does not want that happen again.

Do what you can, when you can. Most people will do their best but, it will not always work out.

Don't dismiss her feelings. Say to her. "that is really not fair. I bet you are really upset. What should we do. Give her choices".

Don't focus on that event or allergy. Let her talk. Your job is to listen. Remember she is the one that is hurt.

On Apr 29, 2000

Yes our children get angry. I have heard "it's not fair" "why me" "why not my sister" "I don't want to be allergic to-- anymore" (my daughter is allergic to a whole string of things) "Why can't I eat --" She is right on all counts that is how she feels and she is allowed to feel that way. I have to validate her feelings and teach her ways of looking past them and not letting the negative feelings run her life.

My daughter is 5 1/2 and I can't make the world safe. The best I can do is to teach her how to be safe and to teach her that it is ok to substitute safe foods for non safe foods. I even did that when she brought home a bag of candy the teacher gave out. The teacher sent home lables and some had a "may contain" warning. So we traded safe candy for the nonsafe and the non safe went in the garbage.

On May 1, 2000

We try to make a big deal out of how fortunate my daughters are they CAN eat so many good things that don't contain their allergens. My PA daughter gets excited when she discovers something she really likes (usually candy) and it is safe.

On May 1, 2000

Hi- I have two boys both with the PA. I will ask them for you on how to deal with it, I am sure they would like to help. I will tell you that it is frustrating for them too, but they have learned to live with it. With my boys because we have had sooo many health problems be it allergies, reflux, or asthma, I have been extremely open with them and explained to them exactly what can happen. Another thing I did with them is to have open discussions about it, kind of like an open family forum. I talked with them as if they were young adults and asked them questions and let them ask questions. I let them tell me how they felt and then try to think of something worse than having a peanut allergy. I have also had them watch the shows where they show actual anaphylaxis so that they would know what I was talking about. It may seem a bit extreme to you, but it worked. My kids look at it as poison now and I make sure I have a replacement for that Easter/Halloween candy. You can validate your daughter's feelings by telling her bluntly that it stinks...but also let her know that it could be worse. Knowledge is power with this allergy...the more they know, the more they understand, the better they can deal with it and accept it. As time goes on, she will be able to say.."Oh well..." She has a right to be angry though, just as a child who has diabetes or cancer does...I did all of this at the age of 4 too, as I needed to get them ready for pre-school.

------------------ I am a mom of two anaphalactic allergy PA boys and my daughter and myself also have allergies. You may e-mail me at: [email][/email]

On May 1, 2000

My 8 year old son just told me what to tell you. He said, " tell her that it is okay to be angry, but having an allergy that could kill you is scary and taking that chance because you feel left out isn't worth it. It is better that you stay alive and feel left out, then to end up in the hospital and be dead." His words...not mine. He stated that he still feels left out and sad, but he would rather not take the chance, so he goes without when put in situations where the other kids get something and he can't have it. I just remembered him bringing home a cupcake from school, because the teacher wasn't sure of what was in it. We threw it out and later that afternoon, made our own. So I guess, that all we can do is to make substitutes and when there isn't a substitute, let them go through the phases to learn how to deal with it, as they will have to their entire life. Best Wishes

------------------ I am a mom of two anaphalactic allergy PA boys and my daughter and myself also have allergies. You may e-mail me at: [email][/email]