Advice Please??

Posted on: Mon, 01/20/2003 - 10:19am
MomLyttle's picture
Joined: 11/15/2000 - 09:00

My Pa daughter who is 7(diagnosed at 18 mos) has suddenly begun to change her attitude towards her PA. Up until recently she has always looked the other way and not let her PA bother her too much. She always understood that she couldn't eat most things others could and it never bothered her.
Recently she has been giving off remarks like "i hate this allergy , it is not fair" things along those lines. She has no reason to suddenly spark an interest in the hate for it. Her school is Nut free, we have nothing peanut or nut , or may contain in the house. We all eat the same foods.
Is there anyone out there who's child has gone through this? Is it just the age or what? She IS starting to get that pre-teen attitude amybe I'm over reacting ? I welcome all advice.
Every time she makes these little remarks under her breath my heart breaks [img][/img]

Posted on: Mon, 01/20/2003 - 10:23am
cynde's picture
Joined: 12/10/2002 - 09:00

No advice, just wanted to let you know our son started to do the same thing around the same age. Two of his favorite sayings are "I hate this stupid allergy" and "It's not fair"! Good luck.

Posted on: Mon, 01/20/2003 - 10:25am
wood145's picture
Joined: 09/10/2001 - 09:00

Maybe she is just realizing how many things she can't have and she's old enough to know that her friends don't have to worry about what they eat. I'm sorry I don't really have advice, my ds is 6 and still "taking it in stride" but I do worry that he'll one day go through a similar situation. I think their is a PA penpals topic somewhere, maybe if she could email someone her age who is in the same situation it would help.

Posted on: Mon, 01/20/2003 - 10:58am
MomLyttle's picture
Joined: 11/15/2000 - 09:00

Thank you so much for your responses they ae greatly appreciated. Anyone else with advice or anything to add or a similar experience please do respond. I'm all ears.

Posted on: Mon, 01/20/2003 - 11:10am
Donni's picture
Joined: 11/06/2000 - 09:00

It's heartbreaking to hear those words, isn't it? My son, 4 years old now, began saying "Mommy, I wish I wasn't allergic to peanuts." at the age of a bit over 3. He says it about every other week or so. The other thing he says is, "Mommy, are other kids allergic to peanuts? I wish I had friends who were allergic to peanuts, too." At this age, I think he wants to meet/know someone who goes through the same thing at parties that he does. It did make him feel special when he went to see Dr. Wood at Johns Hopkins for his follow-up visit as he now understands his doctor is allergic to peanuts, too. Although there are many kids allergic to peanuts, I've never met anyone locally.
Advice? I have none to offer--sorry! I just tell my son how special he is to have the allergy. That he has learned so much about foods, ingredients and manufacturers...more than most adults know! Yes, even at this age, having almost never missed a grocery shopping trip with me, he has excellent "brand" recognition and always, always reminds me to read every label before the item goes in the cart.
Take care.

Posted on: Mon, 01/20/2003 - 12:40pm
Jazz It Up's picture
Joined: 08/19/2002 - 09:00

Hi MomLyttle,
My son went through the same thing between 7 & 8. (He will be 9 in April). I think at this age they are really *testing the waters* and they are much more aware of their allergy at this age and what everyone around them can have and they can't.
We flat out told our son *life is not fair* and the foods he couldn't eat were not open for debate! We stood our ground and eventually he came around and I haven't heard "it's not fair" in a good while now.
He has also mentioned how he hates this allergy but it went back to the *life is not fair* statement and he is okay now.
When it came to my son, I found he would generally follow mine and my husband's lead. If we were no-nonsense about his allergy, he pretty much backed down from his *woe is me* episodes.
Like I said, this is an age where they are going to test you to see exactly where the boundaries are and if those boundaries have changed. We didn't back down and our son knows exactly where we stand on this allergy.
Good luck! I know what you are going through and I'm sure there will be different challenges through the years.
Keep your chin up and just stand your ground. [img][/img]
Stay Safe!
[This message has been edited by Jazz It Up (edited January 20, 2003).]

Posted on: Mon, 01/20/2003 - 8:07pm
Gwen Thornberry's picture
Joined: 10/14/1999 - 09:00

Trying to remember back, I'm sure I had episodes like that, but they don't seem too frequent in my mind. Mind you, I think I was a little angel growing up, but my parents say otherwise!
In any event, it goes to show that your kids probably won't remember these times even half as much as you do. I'm sure it is heart breaking to hear it, especially since you can't do anything about it, but the no-nonesense attitude is much better for them. A little self indulgence is fine, but too much is not healthy! (IMHO!!)

Posted on: Mon, 01/20/2003 - 11:03pm
Claire's picture
Joined: 04/19/2000 - 09:00

I am not sure if this is considered advice or not,but here is what i do. When my kids feel that things are not fair to them and I think they need a wake up call this is what i say. "you should feel honored that god only gave you a food allergy,because there are children with cancer and may not live long. If you want I could take you to the hospital to see that your a lucky little girl/boy. My kids have grown up to realize that life isn't fair,but god gave us the easy plate to swallow. I tell them how very ill some children are and can do nothing to avoid illness where as we can just read the ingredients and put it back on the shelf and find a safe place.
Chris has never made a comment in regaurds to feeling unfairly treated,but he has grown up knowing there are such more serious things that we can not control.
We have a friend dealing with a 4 year old with a brain tumor and it can be so hard to see such a beautiful little boy so sick. I cry whenever I see him and i know it is not a good thing to do but he will be lucky if he makes it to long.
Let your child know that it could be worse. I would also let her go to the store and buy her own safe food and hide it on the rest of the family. Chris always felt special when he would have special food for parties we would go to. Well good luck claire

Posted on: Mon, 01/20/2003 - 11:35pm
California Mom's picture
Joined: 07/14/2000 - 09:00

I'm sorry to hear you and your daughter are going through this. I guess I am lucky that my 8 year old daughter hasn't gone through this (yet?). My advice (for what it's worth) is to try to strike a balance of being both matter-of-fact yet compassionate. I think it's important that she should feel free to express her feelings about this often burdensome condition which she did not choose. I also agree with Claire that it is important for her, and all our kids, to know that their are children who are dealing with much more severe conditions. However, I would try to impart this information in a way that would not make her feel guilty for "feeling sorry for herself". Maybe I'm going overboard, but I feel that childhood is such an important time for forming one's self esteem and learning how to cope in this world. Any support you can offer her, without caving in to seeming to agree with her, will serve her well and help her deal with her emotions.
Maybe, too, you can try at times when she isn't upset to casually bring up some of the difficulties other children experience. As well as all the special and wonderful things about her!
Good luck! Miriam

Posted on: Tue, 01/21/2003 - 12:33am
river's picture
Joined: 07/15/1999 - 09:00

I think it must be the age, as my son who is also 7 has started saying the same thing. Likely it has to do with how their perception of the world is changing. Before they usually accepted things 'as is' and now they are starting to ask 'why' and be able to perceive of the 'what ifs'---like in 'what if' I didn't have this allergy.

Posted on: Tue, 01/21/2003 - 1:22am
Jazz It Up's picture
Joined: 08/19/2002 - 09:00

California Mom, I re-read my post and I sounded like *Mommy Dearest* in respect to *Life is not fair* -- *No wire hangers* [img][/img]
MomLyttle, compassion is a good thing! [img][/img]
Stay Safe!

Posted on: Tue, 01/21/2003 - 4:51am
Gail W's picture
Joined: 12/06/2001 - 09:00

This is so interesting to read! My 9 year old daughter went through this last year in second grade. Anger, frustration about "this stupid allergy"... some even directed at her allergist. [img]/peanut/boards/images/%%GRAEMLIN_URL%%/shocked.gif[/img] We honored her request that the school nurse not do any further FA education in her classroom this year. (I'm sure glad it was done in K, 1st and 2nd grades!)

Posted on: Tue, 01/21/2003 - 5:14am
Sandra Y's picture
Joined: 08/22/2000 - 09:00

My son is 6 1/2 and he is just starting to say some of these things, like "I wish I didn't have this stupid allergy," etc. Sometimes he seems angry about it.
I noticed when he plays pretend games with his sister he says things like, "I'm going to be named Dylan and I'm twelve and three-quarters and my favorite food is peanut butter and I'm not allergic. It's so funny. Sometimes he says, "When I'm older and I'm not allergic to peanuts anymore...."
Like everyone else, I just try to listen and not make too much of it. Sometimes I say something about how it could be a lot worse, or I point out other people who are dealing with similar challenges, like our friend who has diabetes. I do this very briefly, just in a sentence or two, b/c I don't want to make a big deal if it's just a momentary irritation that's making him mention it.
I'm not too concerned. I think he's expressing a normal frustration and I make the same sorts of comments from time to time.

Posted on: Tue, 01/21/2003 - 7:18am
California Mom's picture
Joined: 07/14/2000 - 09:00

Jazz It Up, I was actually impressed with your answer! I think you have handled it really well by being matter of fact.
I told my dd about this thread today, and asked her if she ever feels this way. Her response was so interesting to me. She said, "when I was six and I hadn't lost any teeth yet, I used to feel bad that I hadn't lost any teeth, I'm Jewish, [b]and[/b] I have a peanut allergy. Now that I've lost four teeth I don't feel like that any more." I then said "so not having lost your teeth was a bigger deal than having a peanut allergy"? She said "Well having [b]three[/b] things about me that were different was really hard." So, she's still stuck with being Jewish and having a peanut allergy but I guess she's O.K. with it. [img][/img] Miriam

Posted on: Tue, 01/21/2003 - 7:36am
KarenT's picture
Joined: 10/30/1999 - 09:00

A couple of things:
When our daughter was down on her allergy we baked all kind of great things, to show her that there are many things she can have. She would take baking into her class and they would have a party. Sometimes her friends would give her the

Posted on: Tue, 01/21/2003 - 9:57am
MomLyttle's picture
Joined: 11/15/2000 - 09:00

Thank you everyone , Ya know it has been along time sice I've felt the need to come here for advice. Just goes to show that when you need someone to lean on this site is always there for you. Thanks Everyone Again!! Thank Heavens for this site.

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