Thank you all for your advice. Just talking this out and hearing all of you is really helpful.
Christmas is not at my home. Christmas is at my mothers and my 91 year old grandmothers. Old habits won't be broken and it will not be at my home. My parents are super careful and my grandmother has even replaced all her Christmas decorations this year to help my dd with asthma/dust/mold allergies.
Tradition is each of the "children" (me, 2 brothers) bring a side dish and a dessert even though the meal is at my parents house (Christmas Eve) and my grandma's (Christmas Day). We've changed this to I bring all of the desserts. Peg - everyone who comes to family gatherings (family and friends) have been told that they cannot bring anything with nuts, from a bakery, etc. Most were present for the July 4th incident and now refer to nuts as "rat poison."
SIL has no children and was an only child. My children are the only children in the family. SIL is used to being the center of attention and I think you are right saying that she is using this as power because of jealousy.
I will not sink to her level. And I will not let her run me out of my family celebration. I'm not going to take my child and leave, but you have given me the guts to take her nutty food outside the house.
PA-Mom - Good idea to call her and my brother beforehand just to gently remind them to not bring nuts. I think Peg541 is right though, brother won't stand up to her on many issues at all. My brother is really cautious about it and seems to get it. I think he just ignores what she brings because he doesn't want to fight with her over my dds. I also like that you say you "offer to leave if they want to serve nuts." Well put and I will keep that in my arsenol. Thanks.
Peg541 - I like SIL. We were friends before my dds were born and then she stopped speaking to me and pretends my girls don't' exist. I don't want to cause problems with her, but I know my first priority is my girls.
(edited)- I'd love to say what I really think. If so, my children would have learned some choice words at Thanksgiving.
bandbmom - You seem to have the most understanding that I am torn between absolute love for my family and fear of their intentional (?) actions. DD (21 months at the time) developed hives around her mouth and started fussing and thrusting her tongue. I had given her benedryl as soon as I saw the nut cookie in her hand - she never ate it, but touched it to her lips. We took her to the ER to be sure she was fine, but the benedryl did its job since it was given immediately.
So, here's my plan - let me know what you think.
1) We have a family birthday dinner Sun (safe because my mom is making it all). I will bring up the topic of who is bringing what for Christmas and remind everyone no nuts.
2) I will talk to my mom privately about our "game-plan" if nuts arrive.
3) If nuts come, I will not sit at the table with them. Nuts go to the car without ever being opened, or we will leave. I'm going to "offer to leave if they'd rather have nuts."
4) I will follow through. This is somthing people do know about me. No threats, only promises.
Sorry, I'm rambling, but I'm feeling better about this.
Thanks
Patty
------------------
Patty
mom to
Sara (7/02) allergic to pn, grass, trees
Julia (9/04) asthma and allergic to eggs? & nuts? (no testing, just reactions)

Peggy, thanks. I feel good and hearing someone else say it is good, too. DH is on my side....always, in every situation. I am lucky, I know. We were created for each other to be 1 whole person [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
Thanks
Patty