What to do about Un-safe Relatives

I guess what I would do in this situation is first have a heart-to-heart with her about the incident you just described--that her son came over smeared with peanut butter and plopped himself down next to your child. Tell her how much this scared you and then ask her (very nicely) if she really understands how serious it could be if the peanut butter even touched your son. Once you have this discussion tell her that you would really like it if when you came over that peanut butter was not served but if she HAS to serve it that could she please keep it confined to an area (like the kitchen table) where the mess is contained and easily cleaned and everyone can see it. As far as family vacations, that can be hard. We went to the beach several years ago with my cousin (my son was 4 then). Her children love to eat PB&J for lunch while at the beach. I did not have a problem with that mainly because her children are older and not messy and two she understands the severity of the allergy and closely supervised her children while they were eating and made them wash up afterwards. I could have asked her to ban the PB&J for the trip but I felt that with good adult supervision it wouldn't be necessary to limit it. I think in your case this could be done also. Plus it will help your sister's child learn about the allergy by saying "So and so has a peanut allergy so we must sit at the kitchen table and quietly eat our sandwich so we don't make him/her sick." Most children are more than willing to comply and they get an education in the process.
Christine

I would be firm.

People will judge you by what you do not what you say. If you do not act as if pb will kill your child, people will not take it seriously.

I demand my family, and request that my friends, do not serve pn or pnb when my kid is there. And you know what, after seeing me "exit immediately with my child", if they forget and have pn or pb around, they got the message.

My first responsibility must be to my child, not my friends or other members of my family. If they don't get it, they don't see my kid.

I don't want him to get a mixed message, ie peanuts can kill you but that isn't as important as keeping your auntie happy. As he grows older I want him to know real friends will value his safety over snacking.

[This message has been edited by EILEEN (edited March 10, 2001).]

This is an issue similar to us with our family and relatives. It seems that no matter what our plead may be with the concern for our 3 year old PA son, our family does not want to make temporary much less lifetime type changes. I have found being cordial, yet very direct in my description of the problem seems to help, but doesn't nearly replace our general state of paranoia. I have had to explain more than once that peanut products to our son is the same as letting a child play with a loaded gun. His reaction is so severe and quick we cannot take subtle risks. My wife and I have tried to follow behind him and others near to try to avoid any contact while maintaining the feelings of others. Quite honestly, it did not make the visit or desire to visit very nice. I would suggest you think carefully about the details of the situation, then construct a way to communicate the issue in terms your family would more easily understand. We struggle constantly about education of others to our situation, but this will be a life long pursuit. Best wishes on a resolution. I recommend thought and prayer, then be sure to have the discussion with your family.

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Thank you,
Nut Free and plan to be!

Laura Joy, welcome! This is a really hard one and at the different holiday times recently it was discussed heavily on this site. I'm fortunate in that I don't live close to any of my relatives (on either my or my husband's side) so I don't really have to deal with this (of course, some people may find it sad that we don't live close to relatives).

Because you mentioned that you are very close, both in proximity and the amount of time you spend with this part of your family, I would try the education route first. It Only Takes One Bite is a good video for someone to see (although I really feel some people need to see a child/person in full anaphylactic shock to "get it"). I'm not clear what literature would be the best to give your family.

If after trying to educate them it still doesn't work, I'm sorry, but I would take the same stance as Eileen.

At Christmas this year, there was someone posting about a close relative, either their Mother or Grandmother who wouldn't give up peanuts for the day. It was unreal!

You could explain that you would like the eating of pb products in a certain area (especially since they do have rules about eating in other parts of their home) and ask that they simply not serve it or any other peanut products when you're going to be there. I don't think this is an unreasonable request to make, especially of family. If the child really loves pb, he can have it before you come over and as soon as the door closes behind you when you leave.

The sad thing I find about all of this, from reading a lot of people's posts is that it is most often family rather than friends that don't "get it". I'm hoping this will work out well for you.

Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

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I have a similar problem with my in-laws. The last incident occured at Valentine's Day when my niece received some Reece's PB cups as a gift. Apparently she and her friend were "playing" with them right before we arrived with my PA 2 year old. Everyone knew we were coming - we didn't just pop in. I don't understand why she couldn't have "played" with the PB another time. However, I sent her and her friend right into the bathroom to wash up. I told them to wash every surface that the PB had come in contact with too. We went right downstairs to the tv room all evening. At the end of the night I came upstairs to get our coats to go home and my heart was in my throat as I noticed my niece had decorated the house with those PB cups by putting one in every knick nack my MIL collects and displays. I only let my son over there when either my husband or myself is there too and this has caused great tension. I've tried talking to them. I bought my MIL ingredient cards from FAAN for their fridge and she threw them away. I gave her a list of symptoms of anaphylaxis for her fridge - she threw that away. I've given her countless articles to read. In my heart, I feel that if there ever were a reaction, she wouldn't act quickly. I don't want to cut my son off from his grandparents, so I just make sure his parents accompany him at all times there and just try to keep our eyes and ears open and intersect danger.

Heather, it was really sad to read your post.
I am SO sorry for what you go through with your MIL. I can't believe that she actually through the things you provided her with away!

I am very fortunate and PA does factor into this greatly. I do not live close to my MIL, who I consider extremely toxic, and I also choose not to take the bus to visit her. If she wants to see her grandchildren, she has to come to my "safe" house to see them, which she usually doesn't do either (she's been here twice in 3 years). However, I do have other reasons for not wanting the woman around anyway and there are reasons that include how my children are made to feel, etc.

However, she also does totally negate my son's PA and this enangers me. I definitely know that I could not even allow my DH to take Jesse to visit her without me being there. There are other reasons factored also into why my DH can't take my son out alone too.

I commend you for trying to work things out for the best. However, after repeatedly banging your head against the wall, are you really willing and able to continue to do this for the rest of your life with your in-laws? If PA is the only thing that they negate, I don't know, perhaps with the parental supervision, it is something your family can deal with. I just know that a lot of other people posting on this board have finally decided to walk away even from close relatives that don't "get it" to ensure the safety of their child.

And you know what I really don't understand, and maybe it's because I've hated pb since I was about 4. How could your niece be decorating with Reese's Peanut Butter Cups?
Putting them in all your MIL's knick knacks?
I just don't get it.

I really hope that this does continue to work well for you and yours. I was just appalled when I read that your MIL had thrown the material from FAAN out. Does she even know how costly it can be?

Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

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Thanks for all your replies. In daily life my husband and I generally feel most people, including our families think our fear of PA reactions is hypochondriacal. It's because they don't really understand it. I know there are other PA families out there far more more cautious than we are and we always wonder if we should really feed our son McDonald's or let him crawl all over town play equipment or as discussed above, go to my sister-in law's where I know there is potential PB on all the toys/surfaces. Thanks for your support. We'll talk to her and let you know how it went. P.S. good news: One of my child's day care teachers told me the other day that ALL the teachers had just reviewed the epi-pen use and emergency plan and just wanted to let me know...that was great.I almost cried. They instituted a peanut free policy upon my son's diagnosis and often call me if any thing strikes them as questionable.