What Guilt Do You Carry Re PA, If Any?

I don't feel responsible in any way for my son's allergy, so I don't have that sort of guilt. I know I didn't cause it - poor little kid was born with the predisposition for the allergy. But I do carry a tremendous amount of guilt over working.

Right now both my husband and I are working. I work to support the family (good income, benefits, retirement plans, etc...) and my husband is in school and working as a student assistant. We've discussed him staying home, but he's completely opposed to it. He feels that DS is going to have to go to school in a couple of years anyway, so what would be the point of taking him out now? DS has been in daycare full-time since he was 18 months. Luckily they are very sensitive to his allergies and he has not had a single reaction while there. In fact, right now he's something of a celebrity since we were on the news last week talking about peanut allergy.

I feel so bad though - I don't want to completely pull him out of daycare since he loves it, but I would like to reduce it to part time. And I hate the fact that I'm usually far too tired at night to cook a nutritious dinner. DS is a very picky eater and so I tend not to vary his meals much. I just don't feel that I'm doing everything that I could be doing - but I don't have much choice because I have to keep a roof over our heads, and we have to have insurance.

Anyway that's my guilt.

Good topic - I'd bet everyone here has something hanging over their heads.

Lori

Munchkin's Mom, excellent post! I knew last night when I was typing the thread starter for this one that the choice to work outside of the home or to remain at home could be a source of both guilt and stress for a lot of us. I almost went into a very long winded tale of my recent experience working outside of the home and the difficulties that were presented to me because of it, but I'll save it for another day! LOL!

My guilt has to do with how I dealt with Jesse's last anaphylactic reaction and how he almost died because of the behaviours of his Father and Mother.

I knew IMMEDIATELY that Jesse was having a reaction. However, his Father, at that time, was still in heavy denial and had also never seen Jesse experience an anaphylactic reaction. Well, rather than simply get the Epi-pen that was in my purse out and administer it, I chose to argue with his Father while Jesse went through each of the stages of anaphylaxis (and my DH had an explanation for each of those). He did not want me screaming because it would embarrass him at the church function we were at.

I'm not even clear now how I finally got it through his head that his son was literally dying before his eyes and that he had better get an Epi-pen shot.

We administered the shot. However, we also didn't know at that time that the shot only buys you 20 minutes to get to the hospital.
20 minutes later, Jesse started to "go" again. We didn't call 911. We were in a fairly remote area and chose to drive to the hospital (neither DH or I drive, the person that had driven us to the church function had to drive us).

All of this haunts me. That I chose to argue with DH when I KNEW what was wrong with Jesse. That I wasn't educated enough - didn't know to dial 911 immediately and get to the hospital.

I know a lot of people here already have heard this story a thousand times. However, as I have also posted often enough now, I will keep telling this horrible story of denial, not being educated enough, and choosing to argue with your child's other parent, so that NO other family experiences what ours did that night. Jesse almost died.

I do carry that guilt with me and I will until the day I die. Jesse will not know that. My DH will not know that (I'm actually hoping he's carrying his own version of guilt from that night). In so doing, I do believe that it ensures that should I ever be faced with a similar situation in the future, I will NOT argue, I will immediately get the Epi-pen out and Jesse will get his shot and the ambulance will be on it's way.

So, this guilt of mine, way back in my head (although I can certainly recall it easily enough to type it here a lot), ensures the safety of my son. And, I'm hoping that I at least help one other family to not experience what our family did that night.

On the positive side for my DH, he did lose his denial that night and NEVER again questioned why I had the comfort zone I have (and he actually has the same one). I did educate myself further and then a year later, when we got the internet, I found this website and I believe I have continued to educate myself each day that I visit here.

I do not carry guilt about having "given" Jesse his PA. I do not want this thread to become contentious, so I will not post my exact feelings about pregnant/breastfeeding consumption of peanuts. I believe all of our children were predisposed, for whatever reason, to have this allergy. I am a fine example of someone who did not consume a lot of peanut products during pregnancy and breastfeeding. I have hated pb since I was a child. However, I also recognize that a lot of people posting here do feel that kind of guilt.

The guilt I carry is that my son almost died because of my DH and I.

Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

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Cindy,
I don

Now, rationally speaking, both DH and I have big-time allergies, so Kevin's PA really shouldn't have come as a shock. However, the only thing I'm better at than worrying is feeling guilty, so I can't help dwelling on the gazillion PB sandwiches and bags of cashews I ate while pregnant and breastfeeding [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/eek.gif[/img]!

Amy

I don't feel guilty at all. I feel grateful that the one to actually "test" my son if he was "over" the allergy was me. I had told so many people that I thought he should have outgrown it but I was nervous to give him PN until I had him tested. Anyone in my family could have interpreted what I said as "sure he's probably fine so go ahead and give him some". I am grateful I gave it to him and was keenly watching for any signs of a reaction, which he subsequently had. (When DH got him to the ER, less than 15 minutes after the PN, he was almost not breathing.)
I am grateful that for three and a half years of being fairly uneducated about the allergy, my son was reaction free.
No guilt for me.

Now, Cindy, please, please don't wish for someone to feel guilt. Men are much better about "getting over it". I remember so many times when I wanted my DH to feel how I was hurting (in other areas of our married life)and to really acknowledge it in a way that I KNEW he knew.
It is a hard way to live. Grudges, that is. I have certainly been there and, in fact, am not totally out of the woods, so to speak.
Okay, so this is an "Oprah-ism", but she often quotes Maya Angelou as saying "when you knew better, you did better".

Feel grateful you were blessed to have your son with you longer. Don't feel guilty. Feel happy that your DH does get it now and your son is still alive. Be grateful that your learning curve was extended a bit. Don't feel guilty. Know that people aren't perfect. I am certainly far, far, far from it. I am sure you and your husband are, too.
Learn from your mistakes and move on. Yes, share the story with others so they may know not to let pride, power and circumstance take over when a loved one is in danger. But, please, don't feel that others should feel pain, because you feel pain.
I sure have come to love your posting on this board. You are so genuinely helpful. Know this, I am trying to be the same.
With love,
Alisa

C&N's Mom, wow! At first reading I thought you thought I was wishing all members here would be responding to this thread and feeling guilty and that's NOT where I was coming from at all. Also, after quite a break (for me) from the board, the last thing
I need is a thread to "go bad" on me because I don't really feel as though I could deal with it again.

I did raise this question because of someone else's post re stress re PA, which I had wanted to explore. I thought that person's post was excellent and that the guilt factor perhaps could be examined further by any of us that do carry it and want to discuss it.

Then, re-reading your post, I realized that you were referring specifically to my comment about my wishing that my DH carried some guilt with him after what had happened to Jesse that night. It was a comment. I really don't sit here day in and day out hoping that DH is carrying guilt and don't even think about it. I happened to mention that when posting about MY guilt.

Also, all of the other very positive things you posted (Oprah-isms?) are excellent reading material for anyone posting in this thread that does feel some guilt. Certainly, we can all work towards getting rid of whatever guilt it is we do carry.

However, I still feel it's okay for us to discuss it here, if only to get it off of our chests and perhaps start us in the direction of losing it altogether (although I actually don't want to lose mine).

Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

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Sorry Cindy.
I thought the thread title gave room for those who do not feel guilt about the PN thing. I post my ideas and thoughts on this thread not to attack anyone, rather to share how I manage to not feel guilt over my son's situation.

As far as the statement said to you, I had a feeling it would not be well recieved. I posted anyway only in an effort to help others, and possibly yourself to look at something in another light.

I feel my thoughts about, well, anyone who may secretly wish someone was feeling guilty was timely. You brought it up and I felt that it was indeed a valid part of a disscussion about guilt and how we go about managing it in our lives.

Many times, I have noticed where you have posted some very personal thoughts and feelings on this board. I applaud them. I think many may feel the same way oftimes and either have not recognized it or have denied their feelings all together.

I feel I have only, again, offered another viewpoint about a serious subject. As mothers(and fathers) we all have feelings like this at one time or another. I guess it is fine to feel guilty if you want. It makes me think about the thread in Off topic about self care. (Do you regularly practice self care?) Anyone who decides to beat themselves over the head repeatedly about something (continual guilt) is not taking care of themselves to well. (I think.)

Of course, this is a great place to vent and to release some of the frustrating feelings as well as tell about the difficult experiences we have in life. But it should also be a place where someone can offer something constructive. (I know it did not sound too constructive, but that is what I intended.) Rather than tearing you down, as I think you would suppose, I tried to say "hey,love yourself". It was a meager attempt to build you up. I am sorry it came across so incredibly poorly.

There is a pop song, which I can't remember the name and actually don't like too well, except for one segment:

...get on with it, if you want to change your world, shut your mouth and start to spin it...

Now, I don't mean for this to be negative either. It is just a phrase that helps me remember that if I do not like the way something is- in this case how I feel - I can talk about it or think about it only so much and then I need to be about doing those things that will make me a more healthy and happy individual. I believe talking about it only gets you so far. Eventually you have to go beyond the thing that hinders you.

I believe this is a great idea for a thread but it is shallow if it is only here to bring up in people feelings of depression, guilt, anxiety with no means of talking about how to resolve those feelings (if someone wants).

I have had much trouble dealing with depression and anxiety and feel as though I have a great handle on my situation after many years. I am emotionally the best I have ever been. (Yet I still have very hard days and a long way to go.)
This has come over some time with the help of medication (so I could actually know what normal felt like) and then after quitting the meds, a basic resolution to be happy with things as they are, to love and enjoy what I have and to work hard for those things or feelings which I desire to have.
I never mean ill will toward anyone I have posted a response to, I do not desire to be the bad guy.

I hope this post, as well as my last, can be useful to some. Sorry if I come across as harsh. I only offer my opinion and noone has to take it or pay any attention to it.

C&N's Mom, I still think your first post was wonderful and I'm sorry you felt the need to explain further, although my post above would probably make one feel as though they *had* to.

I do believe what you posted may help a lot of people work through their own guilt re PA.
I also believe that I entitled this thread accordingly, so that only people that were/are feeling guilt would feel compelled to come in and post - What Guilt Do You Feel Re PA - IF ANY. If you don't (and I don't mean you, but other members), then this thread wouldn't be of interest to you and you wouldn't feel the need to discuss within it, because if you're not feeling guilt of any sort than what's there to discuss.

The reason that I feel comfortable carrying my guilt is because it is different from most of what has been posted. My son almost died because of the behaviour of his Father and I.
Now, it's not something that eats away at me or affects my relationship with my DH. However, it is something kept way in the back of my head that ensures basically that should we be faced with a reaction again, I, at least, will NEVER respond the way I did that night. My son will not almost die. It is truly in the back of my mind and I only posted it in this thread because I did ask the question. Again, the only reason I even felt the need to ask the question was not because of MY guilt but because of another PA parent who noted it as one of her major stressors.

I did actually start the thread on Self-Care in Off Topic and I certainly understand where you're coming from in that regard. I also subscribe to all of the e-mail newsletters from the Oprah.com website and can see certainly where some insight into our guilt might help relieve a lot of us of it.

I think your second post was important because you raised the very good point that if we are going to come in and discuss why we're feeling guilty or what we feel guilty about, then perhaps we could also discuss some ways to rid ourselves of unnecessary guilt. Excellent idea!

I think your contributions, in particular, may be beneficial in this regard as you have seemed to have worked through a lot of things and as you originally stated, you do not feel any guilt re PA. It would be great if you were able to help other people posting here to relieve themselves of the guilt they are feeling.

Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

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[img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/redface.gif[/img] Of course, I have another point to make.
I do think that this thread is important for those people who have not been able to talk about their guilt (or any other emotions) with anyone in their own lives. The stuff just kinda keeps whirling and whirling around
in your head. That is the wonderful thing about this website. You can actually come here and *talk* things out with other people that, for the most part, understand where you're coming from and can offer some help, support, encouragement, etc.

I do know that without this website, I would not have a few really good friendships off-the-board right now and I also wouldn't have anyone to talk to about PA. My head would have exploded long ago.

So, I believe the process of first of all talking about our feelings is important, even here. Yes, we could talk to them death and that wouldn't help anyone, and certainly that is where your idea of then taking it further than talk and actually helping other people comes into play.

But we have to begin talking first and then take the baby steps towards getting rid of negative feelings we have. Also, on that note, I also feel it's important for other PA parents to see that they are not alone in the way that they sometimes feel or the thoughts that may cross their minds.

I remember a thread last week (of course, I can't remember the title now [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/rolleyes.gif[/img] ) and the person posting truly believed that she was the only person that felt a particular way she was feeling. I was able to tell her that she was not alone, that at least I had shared the same feeling at one time and I think that's really important.

Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

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Great posts on this thread.

I, for one, DO feel guilty about possibly causing my son's allergy. While there are some environmental allergies in my family, NO ONE is allergic to any foods, except my son. Being a vegetarian, I was encouraged by my health care providers to have a lot of peanut butter and dairy products for protein. I ate a peanut butter sandwich with a glass of milk for breakfast almost every day. In the first few months after my son was born, I came across a mention of peanut sensitivity/allergy sometimes causing "colic". When I stopped the peanut butter and milk, sure enough, his crying and tummy aches lessened. While he's fortunately not allergic to milk, he couldn't tolerate it at all until he was almost two, and then only in cooked foods, never straight. Combined with the guilt, of course, is a bit of anger that no one ever mentioned the possibility of allergy sensitization, even though the medical community appears to have been aware of it in 1998.

Shawn, you made mention of something that I had raised the question about a few months back. Was Your PA Child A Colicky Baby? Now, although I'm sure that I didn't consume that many peanut products (and certainly not pb) while I was breastfeeding, and my son has no other food allergies, he was a colicky baby, and, if memory serves me [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/eek.gif[/img] , his colick did stop once I stopped breastfeeding when he was 5 months old.

For you, yes, SHAME ON THE MEDICAL COMMUNITY!

Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

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