#255778 - 05/13/08 01:52 PM
Would you reject a gift?
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LaurensMom
Registered: 05/23/01
Posts: 1074
Loc: USA
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What would you do if you knew someone was going to give your child a gift that you weren't particularly keen on them having?
The gift is [i]not[\i] inappropriate however, it is one in a series of gifts (Christmas, birthday, etc) that seems to...no...not seems to...that does favor one child over another.
Child has recognized this fact and has questioned me as to why gift-giver treats her differently than brother/sister.
Gift giver is very generous, has no children and doesn't seem to get the "they're a package deal" thing no matter how many times I've gently tried to explain it to her. Gifts usually very expensive/extravagant/special. Gifts could be as simple as time with her, which, to my kids, is a precious commodity.
Other children have NEVER complained but they adore gift-giver and it does hurt them.
I don't want to hurt gift giver but if I were to choose between the feelings of my children and those of gift-giver, I choose my children. After all, gift giver is an adult.
Any opinions??
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#255780 - 05/13/08 02:06 PM
Re: Would you reject a gift?
[Re: LaurensMom]
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SkyMom
Registered: 10/27/01
Posts: 459
Loc: Canada
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Sorry to hear about your child's hurt from someone she cares deeply for. I would take the person aside and let them know that this practise could not continue due to the hurt feelings it was causing. I would hope that someone that cares for both children equally would not be doing this intentionally but rather not know what sort of things to get the other of a similiar nature. I agree with your children's feelings coming first.
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#255781 - 05/13/08 02:07 PM
Re: Would you reject a gift?
[Re: LaurensMom]
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MommyOfTwo
Registered: 11/08/07
Posts: 284
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This happened to me when I was younger with my brother. Technically my brother is my half brother and his grandparents would give him the fun pencils in different colors in a cool tin, I got plain yellow in a box. Little things like that. I noticed too.
My mom basically ended up telling them that either they get is the same/similar things or don't bother getting us anything at all. After that we got the sames things and it was all ok.
Even though your gift giver's heart is probably in the right place, I don't think that they themselves could not notice that they are giving different gifts. I would certainly bring it up in a kind way that the child feels as though they are not loved the same because of the difference of gifts and you do not want your child to think that of the gift-giver and nor do you want to see your childs feelings hurt. Hopefully at this point the gift-giver will give some feedback as to why they have been giving the way they have and hopefully it is an honest mistake. If not, I'd have to say no more gifts then! JMO!
_________________________
*****************
DS#1 5yo - ENVA
DS#2 2yo - PA
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#255783 - 05/13/08 02:30 PM
Re: Would you reject a gift?
[Re: LaurensMom]
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Krusty Krab
Registered: 04/20/07
Posts: 210
Loc: Planktontown, USA
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What would you do if you knew someone was going to give your child a gift that you weren't particularly keen on them having?
Well, being an adult, I'd speak to the gift giver. It's all in the delivery.
Good luck.
_________________________
I'm not a doctor, see your own for advice.
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#255788 - 05/13/08 03:59 PM
Re: Would you reject a gift?
[Re: Krusty Krab]
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LaurensMom
Registered: 05/23/01
Posts: 1074
Loc: USA
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Sigh...I guess there isn't any way around it. I was hoping someone was going to say I was petty. Gift-Giver is extemely sensitive and has been like a second mother to me. I'm just not looking foward to this.
Well, being an adult, I'd speak to the gift giver. It's all in the delivery.
I am the adult and have said something but it gets explained away. Short of being blunt (without concern for delivery) I don't think Gift-Giver will get it.
Sigh.
Thanks.
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#255800 - 05/13/08 07:05 PM
Re: Would you reject a gift?
[Re: LaurensMom]
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Krusty Krab
Registered: 04/20/07
Posts: 210
Loc: Planktontown, USA
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I am the adult
Exactly! You can talk to this person. Don't be nervous, say whats on your mind and in your heart. Of course you won't yell at her, your care for her feelings will show through your words. It will be fine.
_________________________
I'm not a doctor, see your own for advice.
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#255930 - 05/16/08 02:57 AM
Re: Would you reject a gift?
[Re: LaurensMom]
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mom2landz
Registered: 04/30/08
Posts: 103
Loc: California
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i just want to add--although you're probably well aware of it--the child who does not receive the gift(s) will eventually reject the gift giver all together. it's happening within my husband's family right now.
would that perspective help the gift giver to be more fair?
i don't know what to say about rejecting the gift. i want to just say, "yes, i would." but it's much easier said than done.
_________________________
DS#1-env allergies
DS#2-allergic to peanut, pea, milk & egg
DD-allergic to sunflower, milk & egg
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#255935 - 05/16/08 07:44 AM
Re: Would you reject a gift?
[Re: mom2landz]
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LaurensMom
Registered: 05/23/01
Posts: 1074
Loc: USA
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Sigh...
The problem is...this particular gift was given when she was 10.
It was very thoughtful and extremely generous.
The gift was A Wish Box.
Every year until she is 17, she is to put a wish in the wish box.
She was told that, within reason, Gift Giver will make her wish come true.
DD just isn't like that. Ask her what she wants for Christmas and she says, at 11, "I have everything I need".
Well...what about what you want?
"Mom...I don't want anything. I'm fine with what I have".
It isn't a money thing. When she and her friends get together, they're dancing, running, jumping rope...anything that keeps them moving. She's never played with toys (none of my kids have - makes Christmas difficult). Anyway, I'm quite sure that that is the reason why gift-giver did this.
And though there has been over-gift-giving directly to this child, I "excuse" what was done in the past.
But this "wish box", I can't get past.
So, for her 11th birthday, she couldn’t think of a wish to put in her box. She told me she just didn't have one. She was happy. Gift-Giver came up with the idea of this outing - an "active" activity they could do together. So they did that.
They came home and other children were like, "Aw...sounds like fun. We want to try it". It was a very unique experience.
DD#2's 10th birthday is in July. I do not believe, based on history, that DD#2 will get a wish box for her 10th birthday like DD#1 did.
Now, I wasn't able to talk to Gift-Giver before DD#1's birthday. She got a card with a "Don't forget to fill your wish box" comment in it. I believe DD#1 will understand if I stop these gifts. I don't believe Gift-Giver will. She doesn't understand the dynamics of sibling relationships (as she has no children). In her mind, "Kids just have to understand that they can't have everything everyone else has". It isn't about the "have" or "have not"...it is about the "thought about" or "didn't think about" the hearts of the others who love her just the same.
So, now I will officially the bad-guy in Gift Giver’s eyes if I don't let DD#1 do whatever Gift-Giver suggests (as will be the case no doubt).
And there is an additional pet peeve here too and this is just the icing on the cake. The filled 11th brithday wish was not-so-expensive for 1 child but for me to make up the wish with the others, it would cost me $300! Now we did end up doing it but it as a Christmas present for all 3 (I couldn't leave DD#1 out just because she done the activity already) as I don't make a habit of spending that kind of money at the drop of a hat. KWIM? When I found out about the wish activity, knowing that the other two would enjoy it (and that I couldn’t leave them out) I suggested that we all go. She would pay for DD#1 and I would pay for other children. The response was "I'd rather it be just me and your DD#1".
And yes, DD #2 is pulling away, sadly to say. She used to have a huge "crush" on Uncle-Gift-Giver. When we were all on vacation together, Gift-Giver and Uncle-Gift-Giver hurt DD#2's feelings, which coming from an adult...someone you love/admire…was like a double blow (imagine what it feels like to have spouse hurt your feelings). I'm still holding a grudge against them for it...which I honestly feel isn't fair to them. I did speak up somewhat but not as direct and blunt as I should have been...like I would have been if it were a PA issue (and I can't seem to forgive myself for that)...and Gift-Giver explained it away.
It is complicated...I think...or maybe I'm just chicken.
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#255943 - 05/16/08 01:18 PM
Re: Would you reject a gift?
[Re: LaurensMom]
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Krusty Krab
Registered: 04/20/07
Posts: 210
Loc: Planktontown, USA
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Well now after you've explained it, I think I'd even more firmly suggest that you tell gift giver that your other children are at an age where they are just more likely to be upset that they cannot have a wish box of their own, just like DD1 has. And that if she doesn't intend to do this box with all the children, then it should probably be halted. While it's not always about being equal, this particularly magical gift is just too alluring for the other children and will invite them to have bad feelings about gift giver.
Are you a chicken?? Maybe a tad, but you're also considerate of gift givers feelings. However, what it truly comes down to, is how this affects your family. And that should be your first priority. If it causes strife or 'uncomfortableness' within all members of the family (which it is, you included) then it's only logical to request that it stop.
Now get on the phone and get it over with!!
Good luck.
_________________________
I'm not a doctor, see your own for advice.
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#255944 - 05/16/08 01:39 PM
Re: Would you reject a gift?
[Re: LaurensMom]
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MommyOfTwo
Registered: 11/08/07
Posts: 284
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I know this sounds totally cheesy and maybe a not as bold approach, but could you write the gift-giver a letter? Sometimes it is easier to get what you want to say out on paper than it is in person. I agree though you certainly need to put your foot down soon on the issue! Keep us posted on how it goes!
_________________________
*****************
DS#1 5yo - ENVA
DS#2 2yo - PA
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