people who \"get it\" TOO much

Yeah, I see exactly what you mean. For example, I have this friend who I started school with when we were 4, so she is really 'used to it'. But it can be so irritating when she checks my food for me etc etc and tells the whole world what I could quite easily tell them myself regarding PA.

Oh, I think this is such a good reminder for us mothers out there who could wind up doing just that!!! Thanks for the "heads up". At this point in our pa journey, I haven't had any trouble with people getting it "too much", but my daughter is only 7. Miriam

I don't have this problem very often, but I dated a guy for several years and he was very protective of me. He would readily let me read the labels myself. He would ALWAYS tell me when he brought home a food from the bakery he worked at that had peanuts in it. Even after we broke up and I was still living with him he was that way. My family pretty much understand why I won't eat something that might be unsafe for me. MY co-workers now don't quite get it, but sooner or later they will, although they know to call 911 if I were to have a reaction. I jsut think that people have a hard time believing that we could die from a reaction!

I have one friend who is so wonderful whenever she has birthday or other parties for her children because she always make's sure that everything is safe for both my PA kids to eat so what I'm about to say is going to sound like I'm an ingrate.

BUT whenever we have been to parties at her house she has to announce how she checked everything with me to everyone over and over again. It seems to be a way that she can draw attention to herself.

I wonder,,,maybe secretly she resents making the extra effort.

What I mean is that she goes into such detail about how she knocks herself out on my childrens behalf again and again.

Does she secretly resent it? Or does she get it "too much"?

TLSMOM

I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only one with over reacting loved ones. I know I should be greatful, but sometimes I feel as if my DDs and DH treat me like a child. Wouldn't you know it, right after I finally sat with DH and spoke up about letting me take responsiblity and not having the DDs join in his quest to keep me safe, I went to a restaurant and ordered a new item - fried calamari pasta. Sure enough, I neglected to ask about PB since it was made with marinara. My "vigilant" DD spoke up as soon as it arrived and was told that it definitely had a "small amount" of PB oil. The restaurant was great and even brought out a second order without charging for the first (with a smile!). I guess, I shouldn't let my frustration about PA, cloud my vision about how loved I am. Unfortunately, my DDs have seen a lot of loss in our family - this was a way for them to feel a little better about protecting those they love.

I put this message down at the bottom where it belongs.

[This message has been edited by Peg541 (edited January 20, 2003).]

I alluded to the need for "respite" care for the "caregivers" in another thread [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Glad to see you are finally getting some respite!

In hopes we will never be alone in our journey as parents,

MommaBear

[This message has been edited by MommaBear (edited January 05, 2003).]

Peggy, if your son is 18 and 100% ready to take care of his own PA why are you the one meeting with staff at his college?

I don't mean for that to sound as rude as it probably does in writing. Just curious.

[This message has been edited by AnnaMarie (edited January 18, 2003).]

i can't relate to this topic at all, unfortunately but i did find it interesting. : ) i would be thrilled if anyone at all in our circle "got it." i have no one who does and it drives me crazy. i think i would feel better if i had a few others reading labels with me and looking out for the girls. everyone in our family, for example, has that bizarre attitude that the girls would "get over" their PA if we'd just feed them a little every now and then. very frightening. no matter how many times i try to explain anaphylaxis to my mother in law, she rolls her eyes. joey

AnnaMarie,

Do you have any idea what it is like to be an 18 year old high school senior in a highly competitive school system trying to apply for college?

My son researched hundreds of college programs on his own, wrote eight different college applications, at least 6 different essays, went on TEN college interviews. This was all during his summer vacation. What vacation?

He is now in an all advanced placement senior year in a private school here in Los Angeles. This is his choice. We offered him the "easier" way out in our local public high school but he chose the better education. He was well aware of the work load but he is a brilliant guy and wants to learn.

He has been accepted to his first choice Uiversity. A very prestigious program within this university also. Way before the deadline for the applications.

Do you honestly imagine that ANY CARING PARENT is going to toss his suitcase, laptop and epipen out in the driveway and wave from the window the day he leaves for college?

Do you really think I am making sure his college is prepared 100% on my own? Please, give me a break. My son is 100% involved in this process. Forgive my usage of "I" instead of "WE" in my original "college bound" post.

When does my job as a parent end? Please tell me your opinion. My opinion is that it NEVER ends until they put me in the ground. Sure it evolves and I am well prepared to handle the idea that he can take care of himself 83 miles away from home. I want him to know, to ALWAYS know that as his mother, and his friend, I will ALWAYS be there for him. Can you find fault in this?

We all know "it only takes one bite."

Now I'm learning "it also only takes one word."

Peg541

And please forgive ME if I sound rude. This issue has been bandied about on the boards ever since I tried to introduce myself way back when. I never thought my words would be used against me in such an horrible manner and I am extremely distressed to see this issue infect other threads.

[This message has been edited by Peg541 (edited January 20, 2003).]

I have been handling my son's PA for 18 years now. I do 99% of the work as far as safe food in the house and educating our son and others. Now that he is ready for college I was so gratified to hear that the visit coordinator at his college has arranged for me to meet with all of the appropriate departments to be sure Paul will be safe when he arrives there in Fall of 2003.
***************************************

This is the part of my post I think you might be having trouble with. "I have been handling my son's PA for 18 years now."

In no way am I ever implying that I am the only one handling this situation. My son is a 1000% partner in our educating ourselves Re: PA.

And YES, it is something for me to handle too. The fact that both anaphylactic reactions he had came from our home. The fact that he could die from something as stupid as a peanut. I HANDLE that on a daily basis. And we all know that is a tough thing to handle.

So please forgive me my usage of the language.

My son handles everything else. He has the toughest job of all.

Is it OK if I make the appointments, if I try to take some of the burden off of his shoulders? Is that not my job as his mother? He'll be there, he will run the show, is that OK?

And now I am truly finished trying to defend myself to even well meaning people.

****************

It seems I have inadvertantly edited out my original post. That is something I did not mean to do.

[This message has been edited by Peg541 (edited January 20, 2003).]

peg: i understand what you are saying. i will never be able to just send my kids off into the world without worrying and helping them in any way that i think i should. i don't understand how anyone could. i'm not judging anyone else's way of mothering/parenting but i am just not wired to do it any other way. i am a very protective mother anyway so the PA thing is just one more thing i worry about. i am sure your child feels very fortunate to have you as an active participant in his life and well-being today and at any age. we mothers all just do what we think needs to be done to raise our kids and many of us do it differently. i myself would rather err on the side of being involved too much (if there is such a thing)than not enough. my parents sent me off to college and did not participate in my life there much at all. i do not have any life threatening allergies or health issues but i could have used their involvement and input on so many occasions when making important decisions. i would have loved it if they had been more active in my life. you know you are doing a good job so don't feel for a minute that you aren't. i respect those moms who raise their kids up to be safe on their own but it simply isn't something i can do. i often wonder if i should be putting more of the burden on them so they will be more equipped in the future but, as everyone always says here, we all have different comfort levels. hopefully i will find a good balance between being vigilant with the girls' safety and with teaching them to look out for themselves too. you can bet i'll be involved when they leave home - i wouldn't be able to sleep if i didn't know they were in as safe an environment as possible and that i'd done everything in my power to help make it that way. joey

[This message has been edited by joeybeth (edited January 20, 2003).]

Thank you Joey, I appreciate the support.

Some day you will look at your PA child and realize that it is time for her to take over. I am sure that little by little you are showing her how to handle herself. Even if you just read labels out loud you are teaching her.

I remember when my children were small, I would look at them and think they were as grown as they were going to be. Now I look at videos or pictures of them in K and I am amazed "I sent that baby off to school."

Our children need extra special training to be able to not only manage but SURVIVE on their own. That is our responsibility since we will not always be there.

You just keep on reading the good parts of other people's experiences and you will get wonderful advice on how and when to start educating your child.

Again, thank you for the support. And stay safe!

Feel free to email me anytime. I'm almost always here!

Peg541

Peg

As a PA adult (24), I think the time for you to stop being "actively" involved in your son's PA is when he stops asking you.
I personally cannot see the harm in you ringing to make appointments - you're the one at home all day when he is in school (I hope that doesn't sound nasty), so why wouldn't you, if only just so that he has one less thing to worry about? My own mother does things like that for me sometimes because she knows I may not be able to get around to doing it.
Why should or would you throw him out and decide to never do anything for him again?
Becoming an adult is not something that happens on the day you turn 18. Its a learning process, and I think we all benefit from the wisdom and help of those who have been there before. Of course he'll eventually take full responsibility for himself, but I know for me that was so much easier to do knowing that I still had my parents support if I needed it.
Good luck to you both.
Gwen

Hi Gwenn,

Thank you so much for your carefully written response. I am proud to see a 24 year old member of this board reach out to help others.

One thing I say to my children is I have never been the mother of an 18 year old son and a 20 year old daughter before. Every year it is something new. I am learning right along with them.

We have wonderful relationships based on love and trust.

I appreciate your lovely comments Gwenn and your support.

Peg541

Beautifully said, Gwen. My PA child is still young but I will remember what you said!

Andrea

Gwen,

That was just so lovely. Your mom must be so proud of you!

Amy

Hi Peggy, (see the white flag waving?)

OK., so in print it apparently did look REALLY OFFENSIVE. I apologize, as that was NOT my intent.

I also have a son in college (his first year). He has chosen to work in a field where he will risk being in constant contact with his allergen, and that includes during his education. Had he wanted, yes, I to would have been at the school with him to check on the safety. As it is, Mr. Independance insists on doing everything alone.

He was older than most when his allergy surfaced, and so, from day one he was the main person dealing with them. I'm an assistant, and have never been the main force in this issue. Believe me, sometimes I wish I could be.

I totally agree that no matter how old our children are, they are still our children. We are still mom (or dad) and ALWAYS there for them.

I never had to deal with *handing over the reins* and don't envy those who do. I'm sure it is a long, slow, well thought out prosess. Step-by-step. I'm glad to hear your son was involved in this step. Some things we do for our kids. Some things we do with them. At this point in his life, his involvement seems pertinent. And it sounds like he's definitely ready. (Probably because his mom has put him first, and taught him all he needs to know - isn't that how they all get ready).

So, I hope you will accept my apology. I never intended to offend.

And good luck to you, and your son.

Thanks so much Anna Marie. I appreciate your comments and your apology. I also owe you an apology and am glad I get the chance to deliver it.

I've been so burned by my "college bound" thread that I really blew up when I read your post. I think it felt safer for me to blow at you because the original person who was dogging me was so unnecessarily cruel and hurtful. She went out of her way to be that way.

When I saw your post I just blew and to be very honest IT FELT SO GOOD to finally blow. Unfortunately I blew at a potentially nice good person and I regret that.

I appreciate your post and your email to my box. I think we'll all be fine now.

Good luck to all of us and kudos to your son who is so efficiently handling himself.

What profession is he going into? It sounds intriguing?

Best wishes
Peg541

OMG - No wonder you took offence and what I wrote.

I'm glad you got to *vent* at me though [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]

I'm also glad you've decided to give pa.com a second chance.

No need to apologize, we are all friends here.
Peg