Our family needs help & support ...

I just wanted to say that I think you are an amazing SIL. You've done a lot of homework and many of us would love to have family members like you.
It's really hard to say if someone else is overreacting without knowing all the details. It's hard to act rationally (in other people's eyes) if you truly feel your child's life is in danger. You've been put in a really tough spot especially since you've devoted efforts to trying to keep someone else's child safe - you must feel pretty frustrated. Maybe as your nephew gets a little older, your SIL's stress will feel a little easier to manage and everyone can figure out how cope with the dynamics and food allergies in a team approach. Hopefully it won't always be like this.

But again, I just have to say I think you have been a great support to your nephew! Hang in there.

------------------
Jana

[url="http://www.seattlefoodallergy.org"]www.seattlefoodallergy.org[/url]

I agree with Jana-- you sound as though you are understandably frustrated that your efforts are going to waste. That is sad. Because (also as Jana mentioned) many of us would consider ourselves lucky beyond all expectation to have a family member like you. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

As far as this being a "legitimate" website... well, as legitimate as anything else in cyberspace, I suppose! LOL!

No, seriously, I think you should perhaps tell your SIL that there are a wide variety of ways to handle PA here... we are mostly parents who share our experiences and opinions... and that is all that is here. Opinions.

Then again, some of the people who post here are as knowledgeable about the practical aspects of living with a life-threatening food allergy as any "expert" you will ever meet. There are plenty of physicians, therapists, nurses, teachers, and scientists ( [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/cool.gif[/img] ) among the parents here. So the advice/opinions are not totally off the wall. The vast majority of people here listen to our physicians, follow mainstream medical advice, etc. Your SIL might find she likes us. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img] It sounds like [i]she[/i] could also use a support group.

I am very sorry that your family is being ripped apart by this situation. This happens more often than it should, but again, it is very very difficult to really know how you would think and act in our position until you are there. Has your nephew had a recent major reaction or has your SIL been dealing with something especially stressful with respect to his food allergy? This can sometimes put a parent on a hair trigger emotionally.

What a shame that your SIL can't see that you are really trying to reach out to her.

[This message has been edited by Corvallis Mom (edited June 01, 2006).]

Hugs to you...

As for your SIL... Everyone has THEIR comfort zone. Thats hers, FWIW.

You can only do so much for her. You sound like a very good person! Dont let your SIL sway that image of you [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Hugs!

Jason

------------------
[b]* Obsessed * [/b]

Being the parent of a child with a life-threatning food allergy can be very difficult. We are called "crazy" "overreactive" and many other names. Sometimes it feels to us as if NO ONE who isn't directly experiencing the issue have a clue what we are dealing with. It can be very difficult for us to know who the "good guys" are in our children's lives. We deal with doctors who are inexperienced, schools who are inexperienced and sometimes downright uncaring. We deal with harsh criticism in print and in spoken word. All this can cloud judgement sometimes. I myself have had this issue. There have been times in my life that the PA (and other health issues with my ds) have just been overwhelming and I have snapped at people who didn't deserve it. But on the other hand, I have had people that I have been close to for years say some of the most hurtful things imaginable.
Maybe your sil just isn't comfortable with going to McDs yet. That's for her to decide. Maybe you can tell her that you want to have a safe party and ask for her suggestions. I had a friend do that and I almost cried; I was so appreciative that she would *ask*.
As far as other nuts go, we also avoid other nuts due to the high rate of cross contamination. I have had people say to me, "He's not allergic to almonds. He should be able to have them." Well, this is my child, and I didn't appreciate anyone else telling me how to manage his allergy. I do not tell people how to discipline their children because someone could take it as I'm telling them they are a bad parent or my way is better than their way. The same goes with food allergy. Maybe your sil thought that you were trying to undermine her decision by calling McDonalds. I'm not saying that I personally feel that way, but trying to see the other side of the coin.
Any relationship is going to take work. If it's worth it, you keep plugging along. I'm sure your sil will see that you only mean the best and will come around.

I can offer you an explanation of how my family would handle your birthday party.

How many children are invited? What time of day? Will any outside food be brought in? (Depending on the answers and the general cleaning protocols of your particular McD's we might opt out entirely... and my child is nearly 7 yo)

At 3.5 yo, I am not certain that we'd have gone, either.

But I certainly wouldn't have wanted you to feel as though I were strong-arming you into changing your plans to suit me! My tactic is generally to minimize contact with food/children who have been eating unsafe food. So I might have suggested a quieter "birthday" celebration that we could all enjoy at some later/earlier venue, but this in leui of [i]our [/i]attendance at the regular party.

Please understand that from my perspective (as a parent) there are three things that make the hair on the back of my neck stand up-- it is a totally visceral response to very real danger. 1. Food from unknown or unsafe origins... (think potlucks). 2. Children-- with food/in large groups. 3. Large numbers of people of any age.

Any combination of those things is likely to make me appear psychotic to the average bystander. But they are factors which make contact with pn much more likely, make it harder to control hazards, and may make it harder to treat a reaction quickly.

It is possible that your SIL is trying to offer an excuse that will "make sense" to you for why she isn't comfortable with McDonalds. She may be uncomfortable with the idea that there are pn ingredients on the premises and therefore, there is likely to be residue everywhere. At 3.5 yo, I would have been terrified by that situation in case my daughtetr put a hand in her mouth or rubbed her eye-- hard to explain, but real. Until you have done this for quite a while, you tend to think that you need a reasonable explanation for your actions. She doesn't. (Blunt, but true.) [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]

Hmmmmm, I'm not sure how to put this, so I'm gonna wing it. You definitely sound like the type of SIL we'd all like to have. Clearly you take the PA seriously and are willing to take measures to insure that your nephew is safe. I don't think that there is anything more you can do -- I could be wrong, and I'm sure another member here will correct me if I am.

What I would offer is the suggestion of stepping back for just one minute and looking at something from your SIL's perspective. Yes, it does seem odd to me that she would full on tackle her father -- but, on the other hand -- physical assaults aside -- how does this woman feel, knowing that her own parents would stand and eat nuts in the same vicinity of her PA child? While her responses don't necessarily sound measured, if that almond incident wasn't the first problem she's had with her parents, she must feel terribly betrayed. To not have your parents absorb the allergy the same way you would, for the protection of their grandchild -- especially if they love that child -- is very hurtful. If you can't trust your parents, who can you trust right? I would guess that others may pay for the mistakes of this woman's parents. It isn't necessarily right, but it could be possible. And I, for one, would understand that.

And just on a personal note -- no, I am not projecting. I haven't tackled my Dad -- but I have felt like whapping my in-laws. To have people you think would have your child's safety as foremost, bring things around them that could kill them, well, it changes how you view even those closest to you.

Trust is a tricky thing amongst people to begin with -- add food allergies in the mix and it can turn into a dance on a razor blade.

Hello, Rebecca, and welcome! I agree with the other posters, you sound like a wonderful aunt.

As far as your SIL, I would never call a parent as "over-protective" when it comes to PA, because I have felt the sting of that label many times. However, I do think your SIL should give credit for good intentions. And the Thanksgiving choking incident is WAY over the top! (Not that I haven't had fantasies of tackling someone on occasion!)

However, if you are going to continue your relationship with your nephew, I'm afraid you are going to have to do it on her terms. For birthday parties, I'd consider two celebrations - one that is what your kids want, and one for family that is within your SIL's comfort zone. Ask her ahead of time for ideas, and don't argue that something is "safe" if she is not comfortable with it. Even if you are right, you won't convince her, and she will just get more alienated and angry.

As far as this site being "legitimate", it is, but only from the perspective of individuals' experiences. I would be happy with a b-day party at McDonalds; others would not. Both perspectives are "legitimate".

I hope this helps! (I know your post has helped me see the flip side of things :-)

[This message has been edited by Greenlady (edited June 01, 2006).]

WOW! This board moves fast ... thanks for the fast responses.

I'm not trying to be a super-aunt, I just want to have a relationship with this child. That's why I did all the planning/ calling ahead of time ... hoping to let SIL know that it could be safe for him.

Alex has only had 1 exposure to peanut butter ... that's when they found out he was allergic. (But, when they test that's another exposure as well isn't it? So maybe he's had 2 exposures total.) He's never had another incident because everyone is careful ... well, except for the in-laws with the almond on Thanksgiving.

I actually offered an alternative celebration if they weren't comfortable with McD's. I suggested a small dinner party with us, them, and grandma and grandpa. SIL told me she wouldn't be celebrating my daughter's b-day if that wqas the offer because she didn't want her to mention the "other" party.

I thought I was being reasonable ... offering something they're comfortable with, but she declined and just said they wouldn't celebrate. I guess that p'ed me off because I was trying to give options.

Does this make sense from the non-parent POV? I know she's worried about her son and I have no problem with that. I just want to be able to include him in our lives and am trying to find a way to make it work.

SIL has had 3 m/c's and I sometimes wonder if maybe she's more protective that she might otherwise be given the heartbreak she's been through. Alex is their only biological son, but they have 2 kids. (They just adopted the CUTEST girl ever in late Feb. from China - but I am a little impartial.)

Oh, well.

I don't even know if I'll try to talk to her about any of this. I might just change the plans and have a party at home. I was trying to get out of cleaning the house before and after, I'll admit it!

Chau!

Rebecca

Quote:Originally posted by rebecca314:
[b] SIL told me she wouldn't be celebrating my daughter's b-day if that wqas the offer because she didn't want her to mention the "other" party.[/b]

[i]cringe[/i].

Quote:[b]I thought I was being reasonable ... [/b]

you were. extremely. over the top reasonable, I mean. I live in Illinois. Can I adopt you? My SIL put out bowls of mixed nuts and crackers and *tried* to refuse to let anyone read labels as well as ordered many catered items for her last Christmas celebration we were invited to several years back. (Hey, it was just my family and her parents, think they could have passed on the mixed nuts and cracker selection??)

Personally? If someone wants to have several b-parties for their own children, it's none of my **** business. I'd be on my knees grateful to be invited to one that's in honor of another child done *specifically* to include my own.

tsk tsk.

Rebecca, IMO, you are being [i]very, very reasonable[/i]. More than reasonable. KIND. Thoughtful. Particularly in light of your offer to have a nice dinner which included your nephew.

I can also say that we are way way way overprotective, too. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] For some of the same reasons as you suspect in your SIL. It changes things to know that the child you have is the only one that there will ever be- and to have to squarely face the [i]fact[/i] that this same child could be gone in a heartbeat. I know in my heart of hearts that my reason to live would be gone. I would be utterly detroyed as a human being. And that is enough to scare anyone into a rubber room.

I have also had a fantasy in which I choked the cr@p out of a family member under our Christmas tree... so I can see how it could happen. I just didn't know where I would hide the body from the rest of the family.... LOL! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img] Kidding.... sort of.

My husband [i]screamed profanities at his mother from our front steps on my daughter's first birthday [/i] while all our neighbors and my entire family watched, mouths gaping, speechless. So much for Minnesota-nice. Irrational? Oh, ya, You betcha. Unprovoked? Ohhhhhh... you don't know my MIL. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]

So we have also been the ones who "ruined" events... all because we thought it was outrageous when family/friends decided to pass Baklava around, let all the other kids make ice-cream sundaes, or dye eggs with all the kids but mine. We just don't go at all now. We've been burned with one too many scenes where mixes nuts got popped open, peanut brittle showed up, somebody fed a toddler contraband PB in a car and didn't wash them up, etc. etc. There comes a point when your ability to forgive this sort of thing just vanishes.

About half of peanut allergic people end up having at least one tree nut allergy, too-- and it does complicate life. Your nephew is young enough SIL must be hopeful he'll outgrow the allergy. But this can make you less tolerant of risks, too-- because your best chances are apparently when you never have another exposure, are under 5 yo, and have had only minor symptoms. The almond may have been symbolic of a lot more for your SIL.

Yes, she's being unreasonable over party. But "family" can push you to unreasonable. (And how. Oy Vey.)

[This message has been edited by Corvallis Mom (edited June 01, 2006).]

Quote:Originally posted by Corvallis Mom:
[b]

My husband [i]screamed profanities at his mother from our front steps on my daughter's first birthday [/i] while all our neighbors and my entire family watched, mouths gaping, speechless. So much for Minnesota-nice. Irrational? Oh, ya, You betcha. Unprovoked? Ohhhhhh... you don't know my MIL. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img] [/b]

probably from the same gene pool as my MIL. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/tongue.gif[/img] I, *too*, had a s#!^ tizzy on my MIL last time she came over. Right in the foyer and proceeding to the front porch where I promptly locked her *ss out. Wasn't about peanuts, well, maybe in a some way it was, since it was about how poorly she's treated (or downright ignored) my cubs over the years, but hey, [i]it felt good to act homicidal and unhinged!!![/i]

by the way, did your hubby swear in English or another language? I found it helps to mix it up a bit.

~no advice.

Gaelic has a lot of finely nuanced features as an artistic medium... but I recall this was an English-only diatribe. Richly deserved. Passive-aggressive zen master, that woman. Of course, to be fair, then there's my own mother...

German sounds sufficiently harsh and [i]angry[/i], unlike Welsh. But then again, my experience with Greek, Czech and Russian is just too limited to be useful in these situations. They might also be excellent.

But doesn't it make it harder for the neighbors to follow along? [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/cool.gif[/img]

In his defense, this was only about a month after DD's diagnosis... and MIL was complaining that our wheat, egg, soy, pn, milk allergic DD wasn't going to have a fancy bakery first birthday cake and ice cream. "[i]What[/i] a [i]shame[/i] for her... I [i]always[/i] looked forward to watching her play with that ice cream. (deep sighing) [i]Oh well.[/i] One of life's little disappointments for her..." (you have to think this with the proper pouty, sulky, snotty tone...)

[This message has been edited by Corvallis Mom (edited June 01, 2006).]

Hello, I am a SIL to 4 ladies.

1 of them is my DH's sister whom we are trying to mend fences with. To be honest we haven't encountered her yet in a food situation, but she "is" trying to accomadate things.

2 of them are my DH's Step-sisters. One has no children so she is cool, but she's not super close to us...we see her at family gatherings which my step-MIL always makes safe. The other one has a son 10 days younger than Aidan. This lady is awesome!!! She is the one that made at her wedding a kid room just for the kids to eat & made everything SAFE!!!! She wanted to ensure that he would NOT have a reaction. She is one of my dearest best friends. She ROCKS!!

& the other one is my brother's soon to be ex-wife. She was excellent when she was with my brother, but now we no longer have a relationship with her (unfortunately)! But she & my brother have two girls. These kids could be my own. Meaning I love those two girls just as much as I love my own two. They do not have food allergies, but I have had many battles with their mom & my brother for that matter. I have learned over the years that I am not their mom & that I have to be just "Aunt Mandi"! That means I have to step aside & let their mom or dad make mistakes. These two kids adore & respect me.

You can only do so much! You must NOT get in their mom's way. Let her figure out her self what is best for her family & you your own. Offer her the chance to make suggestions & comment. She must realize that their are things that you do for your family & her her own.

Meaning...I would go to McDonald's to celebrate a birthday party, but I would bring my own food for my DS & a treat! I am not comfortable with mcDonald's b/c Aidan has MFAs so cross contamination is big for him with the mayo, bacon, fish & etc. so that is why I would bring my own food.

However, I would NOT go to Chick fil-a no matter how much someone said that they were safe. Would I demand that my SIL or anyone at that to change their family plans. ABSOULTELY NOT!! I would decline & make plans elsewhere for private time with the birthday child. I would give them the respect of not being mad at them for choosing
in my mind an unsafe place & I would expect the same respect of not being upset from them for not attending.

You can not control if she is mad at you are not, but you CAN control that you are doing the best you can as an AUNT! Thank you for trying to be that special person in your nephew's life, but in the same sense you have to let your sister in law do what she thinks is best for her son (& if that means fighting with her father or not attending a bday party then so be it) You must also remember that she saw him have his reaction. As a parent that saw their child in anaphylasis 3 times I am super neurotic! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/wink.gif[/img]

You ROCK chick! Thanks again for supporting your family!

Take care,
mandi

Quote:Originally posted by MommaBear:
[b] ...[i]it felt good to act homicidal and unhinged!!![/i]...[/b]

Been there, done that, & YES it felt [b][i]GREAT!!![/i][/b]

Quote:Originally posted by rebecca314:
[b] I suggested a small dinner party with us, them, and grandma and grandpa. SIL told me she wouldn't be celebrating my daughter's b-day if that was the offer because she didn't want her to mention the "other" party.[/b]

Hmmm.... that's a shame. I thought this was a good solution and this is how we typically do it ~ one party for "friends" and another one for "family". Our extended family prefers a "family only" celebration because . . .well, we just like to be with our clan. It just feels more comfortable to all of us when the cousins can play together without needing to incorporate new faces. The kids all have a separate "friends" party too. . . usually a sleep over. But the expectation is that there is an "other" party. The kids love [b]two[/b] parties.

I can honestly say that when Mariah was 3 I didn't/wouldn't take her to McDonald's due to the cross contamination issues. We just didn't go anywhere that had peanuts or peanut butter on the menu. At 3 she tended to touch everything and chew on her fingers. She had so many contact reactions that we would have declined that invitation too.

Just adding another point of view.

Sounds like she is a bit of a *pain*, allergies or not. As everyone else has said, I would love to have you in my family. Very accomodating! Over and above board!

Do you think perhaps she is worried about her child being around other children, in general? I mean, would she also not want to attend a party, even at your "safe" home, because other kids would be there? They might have had PB earlier in the day, etc... That is a very valid point for parents of small children, as they touch and put their hands in their mouths, and rub their faces with their hands.
Does she usually get together with your family at your house? Could you just get together for lunch so the kids can play, and not make it about a birthday?
Daisy

hello,
id just like to add that my son has had an allergic reaction at mcdonallds, a lady was eating a sunday with nuts on it, itn the playland, and when it was time to leave our son had hives on his eye lids. it sucks and thats life with my son.
your sister in law must feel so alone and frustrated with living with this allergy. and all the over whelming information out there.
personally i would like to kill anyone who would eat nuts of any kind around my son.
i fliped out on the teacher in my sons class because she asked me if he could have lactose free milk (he is also alergic to dairy and strawberries and blueberries)
i went insane when i found peanuts in the bird seed at the sensory table in his classroom!!!
i hate going to new restaurants because i just dont know!!!!
i dont feel so out of control since ive found this web site..
i wish she would come here too and talk to other parents with children with lots and lots of allergies...
and thank you for being such a good friend to your sister in law.

Hi!

You have gotten so many opinions here, many that I agree with.

Another thought for you - what about a birthday party that did not rely so heavily on food?

My preschool son (no allergies) is having his birthday party at a local place that makes crafts. The kids are going to get to choose from some wooden toys that they will paint and then glue "gems" on.

The only food will be the birthday cake which I will make. This makes it safe for his sister (with allergies) to participate.

There are children's gyms, dance schools, animal centers, museums etc... that also do birthday parties with activities instead of a meal. Of course there is always birthday cake - but with your attempt at accomodations - I bet that won't be an issue.

Keep trying - or come join my family [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]!!!!

I have a 4 yo dd with "wierd "allergies, she reacts to different things but we've been unable to pinpoint, 5 yo ds is Peanut, tree nut, soy corn and pea allergic among other environmentals and asthma. We would not be able to attend a McD's b-day party, but I would have been thrilled with your offer of a family get together. I think you are doing all you can, I don't know what advice to give you about your SIL.
Personally I know the feeling that someone is trying to "kill" your kid, my ds was in school for little over a month last year with a 1 to 1 nurse, the principal and school nurse (not his 1 on 1 who was awesome) saw fit to display an entire table of smashed tree nuts in the main hallway smack dab between the offices of people supposed to protect him. I could not believe it, I am putting off dealing with the school because I really have some unchristian feelings towards them. Perhaps when it comes to the school I am being irrational, but I am afraid for my son because some people don't get it, and it could kill him.
I am definitely not saying that you don't get it, on the contrary, you seem very caring and educated on the subject, I'm just trying to explain the fear when you feel your child's life is being threatened. I can definitely see how a few bad encounters in life could make you irrational and fearful, I only hope I recognize my need for anti-psychotic drugs in time (good thing my best friend is a psych nurse!! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img] ).
Good luck.
Wendy

Your SIL sounds like she's mentally ill.

In the future, try to plan events that don't involve food... that would be the easiest way to avoid these issues.

I wish my family was as on the ball as you.

------------------
Cheryl, mom to Jason (8 MFA including peanuts, tree nuts, shellfish and egg)
Joey (6 NKA)
Allison (3 MFA including milk, butternut squash, several fruits and suspected shellfish allergies, avoiding tree nuts, RAST - for peanut)
Ryan (born 12/27/05) nka *knock on wood*

Did your SIL really say "We will not celebrate your daughters birthday"!!? What a horrible way to phrase it! Sounds like she is not half the aunt you are. You deserve a great deal of credit for not taking this personally.

As far as talking with her, my advice would be not to argue any further about what is safe or not, but I would let her know what you just told us: "I just want to be able to include him in our lives and am trying to find a way to make it work." And then you can ask her what would be the best way of doing that. I wouldn't just switch the party because who knows, maybe she has some sort of issues about a party at home. You know us crazy PA moms ;-)

This is assuming you want to salvage the relationship. I would understand why you might not want to at this point, but for your nephew's sake I hope you give it a try.

[This message has been edited by Greenlady (edited June 02, 2006).]

I haven't read all the posts, but I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be in the majority - going by what I did read. (Just wanted you all forewarned.)

*********

Alex's mom doesn't feel safe for her child to eat at McD's. I don't eat in ANY restaurants. That's mom's decision, and either she checked them out herself, or maybe doesn't let him eat in any, or for whatever reason, she doesn't feel that is a safe place. And that's her right.

Your *safe option* is to have the kids party at McD's and then a safe family thing at home. Alex's mom declines because, honestly, what are the chances someone will mention that there was a kid's party at Mc'D's, and then Alex will feel left out.

How many other parents on this board have complained about relatives doing such things.

Why not just have the kid's party safe for your nephew?

***********

I stay away from all nuts - even though I am only allergic to peanuts and sesame seeds. Even nuts in shells, which could not be cross-contaminated. It's a mental block with me that I cannot cross. I'm an adult and I don't get angry when I go to someone's home and they have nuts - I don't get angry if they have pb on the table, but I won't eat anything, and I just want to leave.

***********

Rebecca, I'm going to try to give you an example about mom's making the safety decision that I hope you can relate to a little better.

My son is 8 years old. Where I live, children are required to be in booster seats until either they are 8 years old, OR 80 lbs, OR a certain height. When my son turned 8 I called the police department and spoke with one of the juvie officers. I was told that I would not be ticketed because of his age, but until he reaches the height or weight he would be safer in a booster seat. So, I decided to keep him in the seat.

A few weeks ago it was pouring rain and a friend offered us a drive home from school - but he didn't have an extra booster seat in the car. He said "it's ok, your son is eight, so I won't get a ticket". But, my concern was NEVER about a ticket. My concern was my child's safety.

That parent will take his daughter out of her booster seat in a few months, though she's the same size as my son. I will not criticize him for that. I know he is a very caring and loving father. He takes care of his children and is truly concerned about their health and safety. But, he and I have made different choices about booster seats, based on whatever our owns experiences and informtion is. Neither of us made the [i]wrong[/i] choice.

Do you understand what I'm saying? When it comes to Alex's safety - that is HIS mom's decision. I applaud you for checking into things, I truly do. It's great that you want to keep your nephew safe. But, when all is said and done - it's sil that needs to make all the final decisions.

My thoughts on this - Your SIL definitely handled the b-day invitatin poorly. She could have declined the invitation more politely. That said, I would also have declined. My DD is 3 1/2 and there is NO way I would take her to McD's. She has multiple FA's so couldn't eat most of their food. Even if it was only PA though, I still would decline. The food my be prepared free of nuts but I would never trust that the environment would be free of nuts. At 3 1/2, kids are still eating with their fingers while touching everything around them, licking their fingers, etc. I would have greatly appreciated the offer for a smaller party, however. Understand, as well, we as parents want our children to feel included and not ostricized for their FA's. We recently had an invitation to what we thought was a very close friend's DD b-day party. We initially were invited to come after 1 PM. The party was to start at 11 AM with pizza and cake at 12. The Mom thought we could come after the food to avoid concerns about my DD. I agreed at first but then realized that by the time we got there, the presents would be opened and the cake would be eaten. To my DD, it would not feel as if she were included in the b-day celebration. I much rather would have preferred a private party with my DD and the b-day girl where I provide the food.
As far as the situation with her parents. Were they eating nuts with the PA child present? I would have verbally lashed out for that. I would have been upset as well to find a dropped nut some where. I feel that with family, my kids should be able to feel safe. I wouldn't expect them not to eat nuts when we're not around but, knowing we are coming to visit, I would expect them to be very careful and clean up well. I may have left as well, or, more likely cleaned their house for them. I often clean my parents' counters and table when we get to their house as I frequently see crumbs laying about. I'm hoping one day my Mom picks up on this.
Your SIL may see your research as a way of trying to undermine the research or decisions that she has made re: PA. Maybe if you would approach it as "We want to be involved in his life and help to keep him safe. I understand how hard this must be for you and would like to help so I've done some research. Let me know if you're interested in pooling resources. Call me any time you need to talk." One of the hardest things I've found with FA's is people just don't understand and it makes you feel very alone. To know that someone in the family cares so much to research and be an understanding and knowledgeable ear to listen would be amazing. I, personally would greatly appreciate your efforts.
Also, consider other stresses. At 3 1/2, she's faced with her ds starting school soon. I was beginning to relax a little about my DD but now have a whole new challenge to find a safe preschool, then send her off trusting strangers with her life.
We as parents of FA children may seem unreasonable or overprotectice but what parent isn't if their child's life is at stake?

we would have accepted your bday invitation and appreciated everything you'd gone through to attempt to include us. my two pa girls have several food allergies but only the PA is very serious (and it's very serious).

i see both sides of this situation and don't think either of you (you or sil) are in the wrong. i do think she will appreciate your efforts more as time goes by and she realizes how thoughtful you are compared to others. hang in there with her, if you can. i'm sure i have run off a few well meaning people over the years as i've tried to adapt to PA (one teacher in particular....she was trying....i was not as patient as i wish i'd been).

as we have been dealing with PA for so long now (10 years), i've learned to assess situations and decide what's best for us. imo, there is never an entirely "safe" situation where food and kids are involved but your party sounds like the risks would be pretty low (for us) and of course i'd be prepared to attend the party, survey the surroundings, have meds available, etc. we'd probably have to skip the cake (if it's bakery made) but big deal. we're used to that by now and we try to remember that there are worse things in life than having to miss a "may contain" bday cake. just being able to join the party and feel included would put a huge smile on my girls' faces.

you are an awesome aunt/friend. i bet your sil will figure this out as time goes by if you don't give up on her. she's probably trying to work things out still in regard to PA and trying to figure out what their comfort zones are. comfort zones do change some over time (especially if multiple food allergies aren't involved), imo, as we gain confidence in dealing with PA and assessing risks vs. normalcy for our kids. hope that made sense. i know what i was trying to convey but i'm not sure it came out that way. : )

joey

joeybeth,

been meaning to let you know how glad I am you're posting again!!

I had a talk with my daughter this morning. (Birthday Express catalog just came in the mail.) I asked her if we could have a different party. (She asked me for a McD's party when we were there and she saw the "b-day" room ... I'd never seen one before and it was pretty cool.)

Anyway ... I haven't talked with my husband yet because he travels ALL THE TIME with his job (I know, I could find another board and vent about that ... but ...)

I'm thinking 3 in the afternoon at my house. (Pray the weather is nice!) We have a fenced in backyard with a swingset and toys. My daughter picked out a DORA theme. I can ask my MIL to make the cake ... sounds good, right?

BUT ... she wants to invite her classmates. That is 9 other children. I doubt if they would all come, but it could be quite a few little ones running around. It sounds like lots of parents would not be comfortable with that.

There's more to this particular incident than just McD's. My in-laws are obese ... excessively. The were not eating nuts in front of Alex ... they just tried to clean the house but have physical limitations, KWIM? I believe the almond was on the floor and they have no way of picking it up even if they knew it was there.

McD's food is not healthy for any one. (Ever see the movie "Super Size Me"? GROSS!!!!!) SIL is always pushing diets on the in-laws and fast food goes beyond the PA. My FIL is around 400 lbs and we all worry about his health.

SIL always brings fresh fruit to their house when she visits ... but I try to talk to her about FIL's health in terms of diabetes. (He has Type 2 and I am insulin-dependent.) Yes, fruit is very healthy, but it has lots of natural fructose and so he cannot overload at one sitting because too much carb elevates the blood sugar. See ... there's so much going on in this family, and lots of it seems to be food related!

I am so glad that catalog arrived this morning ... I think I can divert the attention off the McD's party and plan something here at home so Alex can join us.

(Off topic, but funny: my daughter was playing dolls last night and I over heard her having a picnic lunch. She had one of the dolls with a PA like her cousin Alex. "No PB for you, that's not safe!" She's not quite 4, but I hope she's learning about her cousin's safety!)

I'm in a mad mad rush, so this will be quick.

Talk to sil about specifics of what foods will be served. She may (probably does) have specific brands that she trusts.

Would she trust a cake baked by mil? If there are peanuts/nuts in mil's home, it's quite possible Alex's mom wouldn't feel that's safe. If she doesn't trust it, ask sil if she would like to bake the cake. (Ask nice, not rudely or sarcastically. It sounds like things might get taken out of context.)

As for a group of 9 other children running around - kids are usually washed and cleaned to attend parties. Girls often wearing their nice clothes even (though boys give that up quite early). Have a tub of wet-ones or baby-wipes handy for any that look messy. Explain to that child's parent that there's a child at the party with severe allergies and you want to make sure they don't get sick. Or wash all the kids hands so you don't have to single any out. (Again, ask sil if she feels this would make it safer for her son.)

*********

As for complaints/comments about the travelling husband -- that's what our Off Topic forum is for. You are quite welcome to come and vent there. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]

And, that is really cute about your daughter's doll. It's nice to hear a child is learning so young to help keep her cousin safe. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

Rebecca, just a note on the whole party issue. Just new to doing parties here for my boys, one of the great trends amongst the parents here is to have a very short window for the party. Usually a 2-3 hour time span is given. Then you have kids -- who do have short attention spans and lots of energy -- directed pretty much the whole time they are at your house. Show up. Play a bit until all the other kids are there. Eat lunch (if you serve it depending on the time. Eat cake. Do presents. Go home. It really isn't the way parties worked when I was a kid, but I'll tell you, I did a party for my DS earlier this year with all the kids in his class (minus 2) and it worked. There were even a couple siblings. Family members of course don't have to be constrained by the time limitation -- but if you put a two hour time on the main part, you get the kids, a clear progression & organization of how to manage the kids, and then they go home happy and before the sugar high turns into a grumpy low. It really takes that overwhelming "what have I done" feeling out of doing a party with a bunch of kids. Btw, I just double checked -- you said 3 in the afternoon. Perfect -- you really only have to worry about some snacks -- but mostly it is cake, some games and presents. And everyone could leave at 5. Though my guess would be you might end up with some family hanging around for dinner.

Quote:Originally posted by rebecca314:
[b] I asked

hi mommabear! congrats on the new addition...my gosh, she's cute! almost makes me want another one. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

rebeccah: looks like we're all coming to the party too...what can we bring? you can trust us that it will all be peanut-free. : ) have fun with whatever party you decide to have. hope your sil and her child will come since you've been trying so hard to make it fun for everyone.

joey

rebecca: sorry about the "h", i spelled your name incorrectly.....

joeyh : )