How should I phrase this?

2 replies [Last post]
Fri, 09/15/2006 - 10:32
Mookie86
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User offline. Last seen 3 years 17 weeks ago. Offline
Joined: 09/25/2005

The elementary school community service committee has decided to publicize walk-a-thons in the monthly PTA newsletter so we can let families know additional ways they can help others. I am writing something about the FANN walk-a-thon in my area, and I would appreciate feedback on my draft. I can write only a few sentences. I pulled my stats from FAAN's website. Thanks for any feedback!

Food allergy reactions result in over 30,000 emergency room visits each year, and it is estimated that nearly 200 people die annually from allergic reactions to food. Twelve million Americans live with this potentially life-threatening disorder, and that includes many children at XXXXXX Elementary School. On October 22, there will be a walk to increase awareness and education about food allergies. Proceeds will help fund education and research programs. If you would like to participate in the walk or would like to give a tax-deductible contribution to FAAN (Food Allergy and Anaphylaxis Network), please contact Lisa XXXX at [email]XXXXXXX@yahoo.com[/email] .

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Fri, 09/15/2006 - 10:41
#1
ceross
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User offline. Last seen 3 years 17 weeks ago. Offline
Joined: 01/27/2004

I think it looks great. It's to the point and provides relevant facts to convey the seriousness of food allergies. Good luck with your fundraising efforts.

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Fri, 09/15/2006 - 10:49
#2
Corvallis Mom
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User offline. Last seen 3 years 17 weeks ago. Offline
Joined: 05/22/2001

That looks fantastic. The only thing I can think of is to include FAAN's website.

Way to go! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

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