Hellp! birthday party where pb sandwiches are being served

It is very rude of your neighbor to serve pb. You do have to live near her, so tact is important to keep the peace. Personally, I would tell her that I couldn't bring my child to a party with pb, and explain all the ways in which the cross-contamination can occur (maybe she will get it). Then I would plan a really nice daytrip to go on with my family and just not be around for my child to feel like they missed out on the party.
Good Luck,
Andrea

This is a touchy situation buy remember, you have to put your daughter's health first. If it were me (and yes, I would definately, be angry and hurt) I would explain to her that your daughter can not attend the party. Tell her why, the PB sandwiches, and that it would be hard to tell a child to leave a party when everyone else gets to stay. I would also do what the other post said about planning a day trip if possible, either so your daughter doesn't know about the party or, if she does know, too do something special and fun with her. It really irks me when I hear of such things, that people can be so insensitive. Good luck, Karen

Thanks for your suggestions. When I first heard about this bday party, my first thought was to take my daughter on an outing so she would never know about the party. Unfortunately, I can`t. The party is on Sunday. On Saturday, we have tickets to the Ramona Pageant, a big event in southern California, but it is about 110 miles away. We just got the tickets the day before I found out about the birthday party, if I had known I of course would have gotten the tickets for Sunday instead of Saturday. We will be gone from about 8 A.M. to about 10 P.M. As a single parent, I need part of the weekend to do the laundry, grocery shop, etc., plus I am doing a presentation at work Monday and need a couple of hours Sunday to prepare. I just can`t take the day and leave, since I won`t be able to do any of these things Saturday. I also can`t exchange the Saturday tickets for Sunday (they are non-returnable). The party is from noon to 3:00. I figure the jumper will probably be there by 11:00 and will remain until 4:00 or 5:00, the balloons may be up even longer and it will be obvious to my daughter. I would have been fine with taking a few hours to go to the bday party (if she wasn`t having the pb), but I just don`t have six or eight free hours on Sunday to leave my neighborhood---plus I shouldn`t have to! What do you think I should tell my daughter, so that her feelings aren`t hurt that the mother of her friend is serving peanuts knowing she can`t come? I just can`t figure out any way that my daughter won`t notice this party. About the cross-contamination issue, the other mother knows! In fact, when she told me about the pb, she said she knew my daughter might not be able to come because the kids who ate the pb will be touching things! There are so many stories on these boards about acquaintances who are unaware, but this mother is aware of the cross-contamination risks and is choosing to serve pb anyhow! Obviously more important to serve pb than to have my daughter attend.

Tis sad but true, some care more for food than including all kids. My food allergic child has had no b-day party invites from classmates, they stopped once parents of other kids felt kids old enough to go to a party without parent. My older non-allergic gets invites but not 5th grader. granted we are dealing with lots more allergy issues than most and he would choose to bring his own... We do have extended bday family parties- sometimes that can be challenging enough dealing with those who do love him.

Wish I could be more encouraging. but safety first is way I choose; many nonfood allergic families only know the carefree enjoyment of all foods without the stress of planning something safe for food allergic or having the responsiblity of using an EpiPen on a child (kinda puts a damper on a birthday party) So I think there is an element of fear for other parents.

Take Care,
Jan

What would I do? hmmmm.
Are you close enough with this neighbor to come out and tell her what you posted here? About how hurt you are and how hurt your DD will be if she can't attend the whole party. You could suggest an alternative (equally cheap and equally kid friendly) food like hot dogs or grilled cheese. You could even offer to make the hot dogs and grilled cheese in her kitchen, so as not to add the extra burden of "cooking" during the birthday party. Let us know what you decide to do!
Margie

Carefulmom,

Let it ride, just tell your daughter about the party and say to her "unfortunately they are serving PB&J sandwiches and with the jumper and everyone's dirty hands it's not a safe place to be".

Nicely tell your neighbour that letting your daughter come until all the kids eat is not fair to her so you will have to decline the invitation.

You may be surprised on how your daughter acts handling all of this, and this may be something important to teach her about some people's lack of understanding and love for other people's problems.

Your spending Saturday doing something for your daughter that I'm sure she will enjoy, maybe you'll have a few minutes to bake some brownies with her on Sunday?

Good Luck!

Dear Carefulmom,

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Your neighbor is being so insensitive. But I agree with most that have posted that tactful is the way to go, especially since you have to be neighbors. I'd make it clear to her, of course, that your daughter can't attend because of the danger involved. Although it's difficult, try to be tactful. I think you'll be glad in the long run that you can keep your head high and know that you are more gracious than most. (I truly believe that the good we give others comes back to us in some form or another.)

I had a similar experience which really hurt my feelings so I can really relate. One neighbor had a birthday party for her 2 year old child and invited my daughter (who she knew we were keeping away from peanuts because of my PN allergic son.) My neighbor was so proud of herself because she said that the cake was peanut/nut free and that my daughter could have it. When I asked her what else she was serving, she said peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I nearly fell off my chair. She was inviting 10 two year olds. ANd I had visions of all them smearing peanut butter around on the toys. I felt physically sick about her total lack of sensitivity and wondered how best to handle the situation. My husband said it would be ok, we didn't know if our daughter was truly allergic or not. But I had worked too hard keeping her away from PB for two years, and didn't want to take any chances. As it happened, my DD got sick a few day before, so I had a perfect excuse. (But I was prepared to say she couldn't go, anyway.)I decided that she was one of those who totally didn't get it, so I wasn't even going to bother explaining anymore to her. I had told her so many times in the past; plus, she remembered about the cake..

So my rambling is just a way to say I totally understand your hurt feelings and concern for your daughter's feelings.

It's worrisome when I see that invitations drop off for allergic kids once they get older. That saddens me, but I guess I can understand people don't want the responsibility. Still, it breaks my heart to think of it.

TAke care.

Well forget the neighbor. Ask your daughter what she wants to do. Explain that she can either go to the beginning of the party and leave before the food is served, or she can skip the whole thing. I would use great restraint and not badmouth the other mom as insensitive. Just matter-of-factly explain the situation to your daughter and let her decide. Then ask her how she feels about the it and let her talk about her feelings, rather than projecting your feelings onto her (not that you do that--I just think we all have a tendancy to assume our kids feel the way we do). I'm wondering if maybe the girls are really just classmates, and not good friends, and maybe your daughter doesn't care about not going. I would also explain that it's ok just to skip parties of kids who aren't close friends. I think a lot of people invite everyone in order to be inclusive and it gets a little overwhelming to go to so many parties--but that's another topic and a parenting issue that has nothing to do with allergies. So anyway, I'd give your daughter the choice and encourage her to express her feelings about it. If she chooses not to go, tell the neighbor she decided it would be too hard to leave in the middle when everyone else was still having fun, and if she chooses to leave in the middle say "well she decided to go and leave in the middle. We'll see how this goes--she's never had to leave a party before the food was served *sigh*"

Ugh! I feel for you in this situation. I agree with many of the above posters about being tactful (if you aren't, the neighbor may likely turn the story around and make YOU seem like the insensitive one!). If your daughter (or you) decide not to go (and that, in the long run, would probably be easier than leaving in the middle!)...maybe you could let her invite a friend over (obviously not one that might be invited to the party). This way, she will be busy (you can get your work done) and (hopefully) distracted. Sorry to hear about this and hope everything turns out well.

Kelly

My daughter is almost 12. She has been through this many times. The parent usually doesnt even think to invite her since they are doing a craft with nuts or serving their daughters favorite food with nuts in it etc. We have had many tears over the last couple of years around the birthday party issue.
My daughter has one friend that if the birthday party is at moms house she knows she will not be invited (to much work for mom) but if it is at dads house he calls and checks about everything to ensure her safety.
I would be honest with your daughter and explain the balloons, the food and her options. She could go to some of the party and then take her out for a picnic or special grocery shopping for all her favorite things. Make it that you will be having just as much fun and would be too busy to eat at the party anyway.
Good luck.

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Karalot

one of our big birthday traditions around here is to let the kids choose the food they want for dinner on their birthday. so...on one hand, i can understand if the child chose to have peanut butter sandwiches BUT i wonder why it has to be at the party where other kids will be in attendance. personally, i think the other mother is being insensitive and silly for not serving something else (kids like lots of different foods, pizza for example...). even if your child couldn't eat the other food, he/she would still be able to attend and celebrate with the other children. and....what peanut-containing food could be more dangerous than peanut butter - MESSY. i would take my kids somewhere else for the day. my girls would be so hurt if they could see a huge party going on across the street with all kinds of fun things and know that they couldn't be a part of it. they would be resentful toward me for preventing them from experiencing what the other kids were doing (because they don't have the ability to understand completely yet). do something really fun with your child that day so he/she doesn't have to feel like he missed out on the party in the neighborhood. joey

We have not yet dealt with this issue directly b/c our ds is too young. But, our 10 year old nephew lived with us for a year and we found that even without PA, there were plenty of instances where we had to say "No" regardless of how much he hated missing out. "No, you can't spend the night at XYZ's house because I don't know his parents" or "I'm sorry you can't play with your friend at his house anymore because his mom let you watch a rated R movie." We always made it very clear that our concern was over his health and safety and we were not willing to compromise on those issues. There are plenty of non-PA instances where the parents of other children aren't going to have the same values, etc. as you and your daughter will be disappointed, resentful, or angry because your decision isn't what she wants it to be. This particular instance is very painful because it relates to her PA and the party will be right across the street, but it probably won't be the last time (if she's popular!) that she can't go somewhere or do something because you don't like the way the other parent chooses to handle the situation.

Do what your instincts tell you to do. If you think it would be safe to go to the first part of the party and don't have a problem with it- then do that. If you decide to decline the invitation in it's entirety, you might say something to the other mom like "I just thought it would be a bad idea to let my daughter think that a few minutes of fun is worth risking her life over." Maybe then the other mom would "get it". Even though she may think you are the "bad guy" I would let your daughter know that she was invited (so she doesn't think her friend doesn't like her) and then explain why it's just too dangerous for her to attend.

No doubt the other mother has put you in a really bad place. Geesh, I'd be afraid to let her go to that woman's house for weeks after there had been that much pb in the place! (But then I won't let ds go into any house where there are non-PA toddlers, so I have a pretty narrow comfort zone).

Your daughter will find out about the party. Kids will be talking about it at school. Therefore you can not hide it from her.
My son just reminded me that he has had to miss three friends parties this year. One we had a family party out of town, one he really did not want to go anyway (but it helps when he is making me feel guilty) and the most resent one he just came home with the invitation and it is a sleep over. We are "dinner guests" at an out of town wedding that weekend. He is very upset about this but I have offered to call the parents and make plans for a special day for the two of them.
Who made up birthday parties!!???

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Karalot

Double post due to whatever.

[This message has been edited by smack (edited April 24, 2002).]

You know I'm thinking here...I wonder if this was the child's idea of having pb when she knows her friend is allergic to it.

You know if it was my kids decision as to what they could eat for their birthday, I would remind them if they were to choose pb that so and so couldn't attend then because she is allergic to pb. That's what parents are for....a little bit of guidance in making a better decision?

Anyway, everyone has given great advice and it sounds like her mind is made up on what they are eating because you did say that
she said she was having a birthday party for her daughter but didn't invite your daughter because she was serving pb and didn't know if your daughter would be able to come.

I wouldn't want this Lady in my life anyway, she sounds like a uncaring Mother!I hope a flock of pigeons poop on her head while she is outside enjoying her day [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/biggrin.gif[/img]

I definitely agree with letting your child make the decision about whether to attend part of the party or skip it altogether.

I went through this type of thing as a child, and even now as an adult when parties are held in certain places where there are nuts, I still have to decide if I will try to go or to stay home. Mostly, I don't go.

Then when someone asks me why I wasn't there, I explain the allergies I have.

Although your neighbor is an insensitive twit, there is nothing to be gained by making a big deal of it. I would tell her whatever your daughter's decision is. If she wants to know why, then tell her. At my advanced age, I have come to the conclusion that it is almost impossible to change a clod to a thoughtful caring person. It is not even worth your time. You could be enjoying yourself somewhere and not wasting time on her.

I really really appreciate all of everyone`s comments. I thought about everything each of you said. It is so much better coming here for advice than talking to my girlfriends who try to understand but don`t really know what it is like. It is sad to hear that PA kids get fewer birthday party invitations as they get older. I guess that day will come for us too. My daughter LOVES birthday parties, and actually she is not that close to this girl, just we are neighbors. Jandy, is your PA child not invited because the parents know you would stay? Or is it because you would leave and they don`t want the risk? If you would stay, I don`t see what risk they are taking. All they have to do is not serve peanuts and you would be responsible in case anything unexpected happened. Karen T, I think it is terrible that having a craft project with nuts would be more important than having your daughter there. It sounds to me like it is your daughter`s friends parents who are making that decision, not your daughter`s friend. I think parents can set an example for their non-PA kids of being compassionate (skipping the nut crafts or the pb), or the parents can set an example of being uncaring. We had a strange situation at school where my daughter`s friend`s mother brought her to class and I saw her hand her daughter some peanut M and M`s and told her daughter to hide them in her sock, so they wouldn`t be taken away (peanut free classroom). I saw this and said to the mother, "Could you please take those with you---Elyssa can`t be around peanuts." The mother said, "They aren`t peanuts, they are M and M`s". I`m sure she knew they were peanut M and M`s, not the plain ones which are still cross-contaminated, but a non-PA parent might not know. There was a sub that day, so I knew it was up to me to do something or nobody would, so I went up to Elyssa`s friend, age 6, and told her it was unsafe for Elyssa for those peanut M and M`s to be in the classroom and I was taking them with me, and I would give them back at the end of the day. I took her to the cafeteria and bought her two snacks, so her mother couldn`t complain that I made her child go hungry. Anyhow, the girl had NO problem with this at all! She started telling me this story about a movie she saw where someone was stung by a bee and was so allergic she died. The girl obviously got it. My only point is that I think lots of times the problem is really the parent and they pin it on the child. I think children are intrinsically compassionate, unless they are taught by a parent not to be. Interesting, KarenT, that in this case also like yours the parents are divorced and the dad is so careful about my daughter`s PA and not exposing her to peanuts. I wonder why this is? Momjd, there have been times that I didn`t let my daughter do things other kids were doing due to different values, but this is completely different, it is so mean to exclude my daughter and serving pb knowing she can`t be around it is excluding her. It`s different when your child can`t go due to insensitivity, rather than for concerns due to different values (the R rated movie---it`s not insensitive, it is just different values). The R rated movie situation wouldn`t hurt my daughter`s feelings the way serving pb knowing she can`t be around it does. Smack, I don`t think it was the birthday girl`s decision to serve pb, because when she came to our house for a play date, her mom said the daughter doesn`t eat much pb, but her son loves it. I agree with you that we should teach our children to make the right decisions---if the girl had chosen pb, the mother could have said "You know if we have pb Elyssa can`t come, maybe we should serve something else." That`s what I would have done. When my daughter had her birthday party and we were deciding who to invite, there is one girl who is really nasty and picks on a friend of Elyssa`s. Elyssa wanted to invite her and then I said "Do you want to invite someone who is probably going to be mean to the other kids?" So of course she said no. At this age you can present it to your child in a way so they think it is there decision, and the neighbor could have done this about the pb if it had been her daughter`s request.

Anyhow, here is what finally happened. I decided to ask my daughter and see what she wanted to do. If she would have preferred going early and staying for part, and if I had told my daughter we weren`t going at all, I think my daughter would have even been more hurt. And I really don`t have any safety concerns up until the point that the pb is served. So I called the mother and said that this has never come up before, because usually people just make a point of not serving pb so that Elyssa can be there for the whole party. I said it nicely, but I just had to say it because I wanted her to know that other people don`t usually make the decision she made to serve pb knowing about the PA. Then I said "So I am trying to figure out what to do---what time are you serving the pb?" (thinking if the pb was coming out five minutes after the party starts we wouldn`t go, but if it was an hour after we would go for the first hour). As I mentioned in my very first post about this, it is like she doesn`t want to take responsibility for her decision or something, because her answer was "It`s going to be for lunch." That told me nothing. So again I asked, "So what time are you serving the pb?" Then to my surprise, she said she had talked to her son and his friend and they decided not to have pb (I think she meant so Elyssa could go). This was all in one phone call. It was a little confusing that at the beginning of the call she was serving it and two minutes later she wasn`t, and obviously she didn`t talk to her son during the two minute phone call. So I don`t know if she just felt guily (as she deserved to feel) or what. I thanked her profusely, went and got her child a very nice gift and we are going! I just hope there aren`t any surprises!

Ok, Ok, I cancelled the flock of pigeons that were going to poop on her head!

There is hope for this Lady

Yay! I am so glad it worked out for you. It sounds like you are really on the ball and handled the situation beautifully! I am sure it was hard to make that phone call...and maybe the mother truly didn't realize how insensitive she was being. Since you handled it with such tact and didn't put her on the defensive, I think you probably helped her to realize that. Hope you daughter has a great time at the party.

I, too, am very glad everything worked out. I kind of agree with what Smack said..."let it ride..." Our kids are going to feel a lot of disappointment in their young lives, and it's simply a fact of life that some people will go out of their way to help or are naturally compassionate and others won't be. If things can be worked out, then by all means go for it, but some people are very stubborn and unapproachable and aren't going to change what they do for anybody.

On a lighter note...PB sandwiches at a Birthday party?!? Gosh, if I were a kid I'd prefer something a little more "classy" like pizza, hot dogs in big, fat buns, or a juicy, cheesey hamburger with lots of fries. As a kid, I always viewed PB&J sandwiches as the lowest of the low, and at a party, well, just really gross food for the festivities. Like dog food. (Gosh, I just had to say that. I'm been quite cranky with new peanut stuff I see in grocery stores lately!)

Anyway, I'm so glad it worked out for you.

Apparantly, the mother doesn't know how dangerous a peanut allergy can be. My son has missed out on many birthday parties and Halloween. And I hate to admit, before I found out my son was allergic, I never thought twice about it. I guess with some people (myself included) you don't know the severity until it happens. You could always do something special that day with your daughter so she won't feel left out. Go shopping, or out to lunch, or even to the park. That way she won't feel that she's being left out. Thats what we do with our son.