Have I been too careful?

My 5 year old does go to friend's houses, usually in our own apartment building. Sometimes without us. Her friends parents know all about her allergy. She knows too. she doesn't administer the epi yet (too young) and she is also too young for sleepovers. We try to live a normal life.
We don't have any peanut products in our home, we read everything carefully, she always asks if we read the ingredients before she eats anything, even with us!
Her preschool had her epi's and benadryl.
We wipe off picnic tables w/wipes, etc. when we are having picnics.
she has never been hospitalized or needed her epi pen.
couldn't you let him go to friends houses at times other than meal times or with instructions not to eat any snacks other than those you provide and talk to his friends> THe epi-pen isn't hard to administer, what is a bit difficult is knowing when to administer it.

Quote:Originally posted by kellyhensl:
[b]My PB allergic son, now 10 years old, who is also allergic to eggs has not really been allowed to go to friends' houses or for overnights because of his allergy and my reluctance to let him go. I never felt that I could ask parents of his friends to learn how to administer the Epi-pen or even take on that responsibility. He has never had an allergic reaction. He goes to school. There is an Epi-pen at school and at daycare, and I am constantly reminding teachers and daycare staff about his allergies. I have gone on all field trips off campus with him so that I could be the "responsible" one if there was an accident, and even birthday parties I have accompanied him on so that I can be there if something happens. how do you deal with it? Thanks for any help[/b]

As a firm believer in better safe than sorry, I am very careful about the houses that I permit my daughter to go to (she's almost 12, and has pa and asthma.) If I don't know/trust the moms, I'd rather have the kids play here. My daughter carries all of her own meds with her at all times---if she goes somewhere, I show the adult in charge how to administer the epi. No one has ever had to do it because she never eats anything that I don't provide...but I need to know that someone will be able to help her if she's in trouble. Same goes for any extra curricular activities, etc.
I don't know how things will evolve as she becomes more independent, but I know that the level of responsibility that your child is willing and able to take on, will help to guide your choices!

Everyone certainly has their own comfort zones...and I certainly know things have changed since I was little. (and I'm only 23!)
In any event....my mom never put any restrictions on any of us, (we have 4 of 6 PA siblings).....but we all had been drilled into us, what to do, and how to administer the epi ourselves as well. Honestly, I really don't even thinking too much about it when I was little....I had many reactions, but as I look back, none of the reactions I had could have been prevented. They all showed up in the most bizarre places, or it was completely out of my control, and my folks.
You and your son will find a comfort zone that works best for you, and hopefully if he wants more independence he will tell you, or show you, or resist you and you will know to let go that much and work to the next level.
always better to be safe than sorry, but also, mishaps are unavoidable.....and one can't live in fear. Just work through the different ages slowly, and what is right for one parent, certainly isn't right for another....hang in there!

I think the key here is "happy medium". While I think that you *might* be being a bit overprotective of a 10-year old child, I also think the neighborhood kid you have referred to is also not being watched carefully enough. Somewhere in between would be nice??? My PA son is only 5 1/2. So far we have not had any play dates, but I am at the point that there are a few parents I think I could trust. I also agree with another poster that play dates don't necessarily have to involve food and it would be best if the other parent just be asked not to serve any food rather than worry about what is safe. I think if your son really wants to do some of these "normal" activities you should try to find some comfortable way of dealing with it. I think he is probably old enough now to really take control of himself. I have a 9 year old (non-allergic) child and I know at this point I could be comfortable letting her out should she have an allergy. She is very good about checking her younger brother's foods and being very aware.
Christine

kellyhensl, I understand your post and your concern. But first, look at the positive aspects of what you may consider being over-protective. Everyone has different comfort zones with this allergy and although we can learn a lot from what other people post here, we still have to feel comfortable with the decision for ourselves and our child. You mentioned that your son had not been on any sleepovers, etc. My son is only 4-1/2 so I don't really have to worry about that yet, but I remember when my girlfriend mentioned that her daughter was going to a sleepover, I thought, just automatically, oh, Jesse will never go to a sleepover. I'm not sure that that's the case 'cus he's not at that age yet, but we make decisions along the way for a variety of reasons. I was never on a sleepover in my life because I had an overprotective parent, but I didn't have any life threatening food allergies factored in either. I noticed that this same girlfriend, her daughter's best friend has asthma and severe environmental allergies and it seems for the most part that that child is the one who has the sleepover rather than staying at my friend's house. Has your son ever had friends over for a sleepover? You might want to check out the thread under Living with PA re "Comfort Zones" and see how different parents with children of different ages are dealing with the PA and see if YOU would feel comfortable incorporating any changes into how you deal with the PA. Do you know what I mean? I have certainly read some really positive things, but then I have to figure out if I'm comfortable with that for myself and my son. It's a real juggling act, I know, but I also know that because you express concern about it, you'll probably find some answers along the way too. Do you ever discuss what may be considered limitations with your son and how he feels? Maybe that's a start. Also, ultimately, and I know I fear the day, but your son will be walking out into the world on his own and you want him to be competent, careful, and able to deal with his allergy responsibly, so how does he learn that? But I also wanted to say, don't beat yourself up about the way your have dealt with the PA to-date - it was/is your comfort zone with your child and that should be respected. Changes can be made but don't worry about what you may have considered as being a mistake you made in the past. Best wishes.

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Have you been too careful? My immediate response (and not lengthy) upon reading your post was NO.

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Boy, the support from all of you has really helped. I guess all my second guessing is practically driving me crazy. Yes, my son has sleepovers, but I know he'll want to start going soon and I really want to let him go ( for my sanity also). I guess like a couple of you have said, take it one day and one age at a time. And educate but don't create fear and live in fear. I have been living in fear a lot of these years (pre-school, kindergarten years with all those little kids that were too young to be responsible about PB and washing hands, et cetera.) Now that my son's in fifth grade, I can relax a little bit knowing that he's more responsible and his friends are also. I just have to "find" my comfort levels as I let him go out into the world. But the support has really helped. I thank you.

All of your comments have been very enlightening to me as I have a 9 year old son recently diagnosed peanut and tree nut allergic. What's very confusing to us right now is what to let him have in general, rather than how to deal with the social situations. I feel like I have a second job trying to understand the various manufacturers and decide if we'll let him eat Kelloggs without the B or L label, etc. But I digress. . .

My son has gone to two friends' houses, but we are very fortunate. One mom has a peanut allergy (!) and we are very close to the other family. I've brought the epi-pen trainer, gone over the procedures with them and specifically what he can/can't have. It will be harder if he's invited elsewhere, but I have a hard time sending my kids off to new places even without the PA.

He goes to a small sports camp 3 days/week and the director instituted a no-food-sharing rule at my suggestion.

Although it's scary, eventually all these kids will have to deal with the PA as well as other life issues by themselves. I've taught my son how to use the epi-pen, had him get on this website with me, and am trying to include him as appropriate. Unfortunately, (see above) we haven't found our comfort zone yet, so the "rules" are confusing. We are also setting up a chart where he can earn points for either being responsible (e.g. reminding me to take the epi-pen) or not fussing when I say I'm not comfortable with him having something until we check.

He goes to cub scout camp next week - one parent for each 2 kids must go so of course I am going. The camp director says they deal with allergies all the time but I'm still nervous about the food.

Good luck all - I'll be watching for more ideas/thoughts.

Helen

I think everyone hit it right on when you say you have to do what feels right for yourself. My daughter (6.5years) goes on play dates to a select few of her friends homes. The others that we don't allow her to go to isn't so much because of the allergy it is the parenting style. My daughter is absolutely not allowed to play in the street- their kids can. My daughter is not allowed to go off on a bike ride without an adult-their kids can. My daughter is not allowed to go to the park without an adult- their kids can. These are choices we have made that have nothing to do with her allergy and more with personal safety. My next door neighbor thinks we are paranoid and overprotective. She says kids should be allowed to do "kid" things. I agree but sending my 6 year old off by herself is not a "kid" thing to me it is a "dumb" thing. I will let her do these things when she is older.

Check Cindy Cook's "Comfort Zone" thread under the "Living With PA" discussion..you may find some answers to what you are questioning. It is a wonderful thread and gives us all a look inside how we all handle the allergy..some extremely cautious, others..like myself extremely laid back. Check it out [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

My daughter is also 10 years old. It is a big "girl think" to have sleep overs. We have more children sleep over at our house but she has gone to other friends houses. We plan ahead, these are parents that have known her since JK. They clean their house, dont have PB for breakfast and do not eat nut food while she is there. I also provide her food since she can not have eggs or milk. I have also been showing her class mates for the past 4 years what an epi-pen looks like. She injects a grapefruit with an expired epi-pen. This pre-teen time is hard. Good luck.

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Karalot

I know you posted this a few days ago, I just wanted to add my own little reply, I have a 4 year old I have know has PA for 2 years, I have epi pens everywhere, but since diagnosed she has been exposed all my friends know and since I'm a stay at home mom I figure I'm around to check that she doesn't eat anything she shouldn't, well at my best friends house we gave her icecream with peanuts in it and I didn't even check, I really had know idea chocolate icecream would have peanuts in it, (BlueBunny) I had to give an EPI injection for the first time and we spent the night in the hosp. YOU CAN NEVER be off guard but I do believe that PA kids can go through life just fine.

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Hi Kelly,

My son is only 2 1/2 so I am no expert on this subject. But he is PA and also allergic to milk and eggs. Just like KarenT, I have just gotten used to providing ALL of my son's food for ALL social events. It works out very well.

If your son is the listening type...
Maybe a good compromise would be to let him go, but to provide his food and snacks. This takes the responsibility off the parent (who will be tending to multiple kids and may not rememeber to check labels). Your son can enjoy his friends and his independence while you enjoy some peace of mind.

:-)