Has PA ever cost you or your child a friendship?

Just wanted to clarify my son 's caprast score was for PEANUT. He did not get a caprast for cats. Sorry for the confusion.

Well I don't have any food allergies but I would say keep the friendship going. The more friends you have the better. If he/she is a true friend, they will be sensitive towards the needs and try to accomodate the person with the allergy in the best way possible. Why should food(I know it's serious in this case) make or break friends? I would really think about continuing the friendship. It would make the friend feel downhearted if you stopped the relationship. Has the friend been mean regarding the allergy? Has the friend ever been mean non-allergy related? If you take the time to answer the questions and many more you will have a second way to see the friend means no harm. I hope the answers to the above questions is no.

Good luck!!!

Has this mom never heard of hand washing? If it were me, I would not let my child go over there due to the obvious reactions, but I would let her and her child come to your house. However, I would lead them straight into the kitchen to wash their hands. If we know a child is a big peanut butter eater, we always do that, or if it is a new friend. There is nothing for the woman to be offended about if you do that. If she gets offended, then I say it is not a friendship and I would let it go.

It is tough, but I might let the outreach fall onto her for awhile and see if she gets the hint. I tried a confrontation with a *good* friend(of dh anyway) and it was not well received. We did get through it, but if that didn't go well, I am sure similar things with less close friends can go wrong as well.

Or, you could just be honest. if you truly value the friendship, then explain that first. How much you value them in your life, but... and explain how serious these exposures have been for your ds. This is not good for him in terms of sensetizing him repeatedly. Whatever the reaction. Who cares if it is cats or PB, it is seriously bad reactions and repeated.

I find I gravitate to the people who offer the greatest accomodations without us ever asking. Several neighborhood children live on peanuts and PB, and the moms are very concerned about having the kids wash up after, even if they are all outside. My next door neighbor became very worried when she learned about cross contact and trace issues and told me very clearly how her messy 2yo ate PB regularly. She offerred up that she often changes his shirt before going out in case he runs into dd.

I think these are the friends to seek out. It seems sort of strange that a true friend would really resist so. The care and concern should come from the heart, not conflict. becca

Quote:Originally posted by nicolimom:
[b] Seriously, my 'friend' isn't the type to give her kids something else for lunch, she says her kids wouldn't eat unless its peanut butter.

Is a friendship like this worth the effort? My son does like these kids a lot....

TIA [/b]

In my book, not worth the effort. That's just *ME*. There is really no way to reconcile "won't eat anything but peanut butter" and "peanut butter can kill my child." Especially if you know your child reacts so they are obviously getting a lot of residue on them. How long would it go over not to send your child over to her house? Seems like that lopsided arrangement will start to breed resentment after a while.
That's just how I am. I would probably take the attitude: 'not safe' and 'too hard!'

Hmmmm..... think, think, think,.......

Could you buy her a jar of sunbutter from [url="http://www.Sunbutter.com?"]www.Sunbutter.com?[/url] It is great stuff - a bit pricey, but really good and kids seem to love it. I usually order 4 jars of the Natural stuff - no Trans Fats, and it costs me about $30. I have to do that about twice per year, then I use it for cooking or eating, snacking, etc.

But you might wrap it up kind of cute & offer it as a gift to your friend, and ask that she try to use it on days that she knows your children will be over there.

Her reaction to that attempt at an olive branch might let you know how much of a friendship you are trying to salvage.

Oh - the regular SunButter isn't as expensive as the Natural jars, so you could order her the cheaper stuff - if she is feeding her kids a bunch of PB, she probably isn't too worried about Trans Fats [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

------------------
Sherlyn
Mom to 4 year old twins Ben & Mike - one PA & the other not.
Stay Informed And Peanut Free!

I am sorry that you are going through this. We lost a group of friends who told me I was wrong to bring my PA child a safe piece of b'day cake to one of their parties--told me I was selfish and to let one of them "try" to make a safe cake--no thank you. The only way I would know if they succeeded was that my child would not end up in the hospital that day. They did not understand, and refused to invite us to parties and ignored us at any get togethers. Some people are blatantly ignorant and selfish and if it does not affect their lives, they don't want to know about it

Having to deal with all that goes along with food allergies is hard enough. When you run into people acting like brick walls, you may as well turn and go back. How good a friend can they be if they won't bend a bit?

I am friendly with a lady who lives on the next street. The first time we got our kids together, she offered my son a PB&J sandwich, even tho I had told her about the allergy the day before. She also says her son is allergic to milk, but still feeds him butter! Needless to say, I never leave my son son over there alone. I can't trust that she'll remember.

My son just made his first friend at preschool. We were over at his house a couple of weeks ago for a playdate. His mom had delt with another friend with PA, so she was very aware of the situation and offered to let me read the ingredient lists on snacks before I even asked. I sure hope my son stays friends with that one!

------------------
[i][b]Allergy Patrol Novice[/b][/i]

I lost a friend of 10yrs over my dd's PA. It was this last March. I'll find my post for you to read it.

About your situation. It's just NOT safe! All the reactions that have happend already should tell you not to send him over there. My dd is extremely contact sensitive too and the stress is just overwhelming with the PA plus the contact sensitivity is enough to deal with. There ARE people out there that are more then willing to keep your child safe. Have the friend over and take them to wash their hands or don't have anything to do with them. That's my honest feeling to it.

The "my kids wouldn't eat unless its peanut butter." is severe CRAP! Is that really the kind of attitude you want from a "friend"? Ask yourself if you are better off with or without this family? Is it more stress then it's worth? Some people just can't deal with allergies properly in my opinion.

Whatever you do...think of YOUR families needs first....and do what is best for YOUR famiy! I wish you well!

Cindy

(Edited to change month in first paragraph.)

[This message has been edited by Mom2Sariah (edited October 13, 2004).]

Here is the link to my story plus other's stories too.

[url="http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/Forum3/HTML/001274.html"]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/Forum3/HTML/001274.html[/url]

Cindy

I'd say the stress of this friendship isn't worth it. It seems that at some level she doesn't "get it". (Especially if she is "hurt" that you won't bring your son there.)

Not sure if you posted how old your son is; but hopefully he's young enough that the friendship can just sort of drop off without him really noticing.

Good luck!

Miriam

nicolimom, I have been thinking about this since you posted it the other day.

Then, thank heaven, MomtoSariah (Cindy) posted the link to the thread she had started about a similar situation and I was able to read my response to her.

I'd still have to answer the same. I don't think I've lost any friendships because of PA, but I don't think we've gained any either. Does that make sense?

Since posting in Cindy's thread, I have now moved back closer to DH's family (and some of mine, but they're not as close distance wise, just in the same city), and I am finding some difficulties with family "getting it" although not as much as I expected, just little comments from the kids (cousins) mainly or how my SIL calls her daughter peanut. But hey, she's called her daughter peanut for 9 years, so why stop now because of my son (and it's one of those things that years ago would have really bothered me but it doesn't now).

So far, I think that family has been doing pretty good.

I do think though that it's my son that doesn't have friendships develop because of his allergy. Truly. He is so social and outgoing and yet, year in, year out, there's the lack of birthday party invitations, etc.

I did like Spudberry's idea of providing your friend with an alternative to pb to see how she deals with that. You might have your answer right there.

Best wishes! [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]

I would keep the friendship up but just modify it a little!
I was in a similar situation with a good friend of mine, her kids eat PB a lot and at her child's bday party they had a baseball theme and had shelled peanuts and crackerjacks. (Obviously we did not attend!)
So to me her house is just overly contaminated and since then I have never allowed my DD to go over there to play.
They come here but we don't go there.
I also mention before playdates that please refrain from eating PB before coming over!

Take care
shelley

Bumping this up for someone.