Handling Peanut Encounters at Friend\'s House. Am I Overreacting?

Dear From the South,
I too have a similar issues when my child
plays. Living here in the south only makes it worse. Some people treat you like you are
strange because you are so cautious or
worse, don't take your child's allergy
seriously. I recommend discussing the issue
with the parents' of your child's friend.
I discovered(much to my suprise) some
of parents of my childs' friends didn't realize the severity or consequences of
my child's allergy. If the parents aren't willing to make the effort, you don't need the hassle. Ask your doctor. We actually
play with other peanut allergice children in our area. It gives me a break and a little
peace of mind that my child is in a relatively peanut free place

Just my opinion, but no, you are definitely NOT overreacting. Your child's safety is the most important thing. It would be a shame for her not to be able to play with certain friends, but it's not worth your daughters life or health.

My husband and I definitely do NOT think you are being overprotective of your child! My husband suggested I copy our "Playdate" letter that he sends whenever our PA son goes to someone else's house, which is frequently. He is almost 5 now and has a very active social life.

Dear ______________:

Thanks for inviting Sam over to play today. He

Maybe what you could do is talk to her again when things are calmed down a little. I like the letter too. But perhaps say something like my daughter really likes spending time with you child etc. and I really appreciate you inviting her. You could say something like I know that it may seem like I am over reacting about the peanut butter. However these are some of the reactions that she has had in the past.. and maybe you could also tell her that you dont want your daughter to feel like she has to be outside when other are eating, that it isnt important enough for them to figure out something else to eat.. so you have to sit outside! it really is rude!! but i dont think you would be doing yourself and favors by pointing that out to her!!!
someone else mentioned that she tells people that it is serious reaction like a bee sting for some people. for some reason people get that easier. they dont get the residue on the hands etc. for most people it does just sound like we are loons!!!
good luck. julie

No, you're definitely no overreacting! Sam's Mom, I have to copy the note that you send with Sam when he goes on a play date. It's an excellent idea. My son's second reaction was when going into the house of the child next door (who was always in my house) for the first time. He same home and began to swell up facially and his lips were turning blue. I frantically ran to the parents and asked if Jesse had eaten anything while in their home. No. I called the medical centre right beside me and they told me to bring Jesse right in even though I had an epipen at home. These parents were aware of his peanut allergy. Later in the day I heard from them, "We wondered why Tammy's peanut butter sandwich disappeared so quickly", so basically Jesse had had some. I was so angry! I find you become judgemental because you think "what bloody idiots" and "thanks for almost killing my son". I felt really badly on top of it, for Jesse, because this was the first time he had ever been in Tammy's house without me. Tammy was always in our house.
Then, this year, at school - he is in junior kindergarten, the children were given Quaker Chew Bars (I can't think of the proper name right now - they're like a breakfast bar) called Cookies & Creme to sample. It said clearly "may contain". We get a ride to school with a friend and her three children. Well, did one of her 4 year olds not come out of the school, open the bloody sample and start eating it. My son's teacher asked me "Is that okay?" and I said, probably not. I was extremely angry with Karen for not having control over her kids in a very dangerous situation. I just flippped. Fortunately, it was nice weather and we walked home. But I was so angry that I could not accept calls from Karen until I calmed down. Also fortunately for me, she has made it a rule that after school there is to be no eating in the van, she has educated herself about the allergy, reads all the labels of the products she buys and does not send peanut products to school with her three children even though they are not in my son's class. What we did do, just recently, was send a thank-you note to all of the parents of the children in my son's class for helping to make it a "peanut free" classroom without incident this year (so far) and to the children that use the room on the other days (and therefore have to be "peanut free" too even though Jesse is not there). I also had a notice published in the school bulletin thanking any parents that were not sending peanut products into the school and a notice in the little local newspaper saying thank you. I'm not sure, but I think people feel less resentful about their child having to give up their peanut butter (or whatever) if you thank them. I may be mistaken, but I did it anyway.

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I agree and plan on sending a thank-you note home with a little toy (dollar store variety) this Wed. which is the last day of school. I do appreciate that some parents have remembered all year.

I think the Thank You note is a great idea - we finish at the end of June and have made it through kindergarden without a reaction so far (knock on wood). I will also thank her teacher and the teaching assistant for keeping her safe.

Deb

Dear From The South,
We had a similar problem at my mother's house. We've had great success with how we handled it. We invited our family, adults and children, and friends and parents of those who spend a great deal of time with our daughter, to our house for brunch. While there we showed them FAN videos,how to administer the Epi-Pen, how we want our daughter treated in the event of an emergency. We discussed "danger zones", showed them statistics from FAN, and showed them how we have to deal with this on a daily basis etc. Prior to this, according to our family, we were overreacting. Following our meeting, those who attended left with tears in their eyes and were suggesting other possible "danger zones". Though we haven't let our guard down, it is comforting to know that people are thinking and taking this seriously.

I can relate to what you've been through. I too had a similar experience with my child but in school. His teachers and the administration know of his PA (he is in 1st grade). Two months ago the class had a "fun" activity. They made peanutbutter balls in the classroom. What infuriated me most was that they made my son go color in the back of the class. When he told the teacher's aid that he could smell it and his eyes were beginning to burn, she told him he "had to live with it." The sad part is he CAN'T. I told him he should have go up and left the class without permission and had the Principal call me immediately. I told him that this is the only occassion that he has total permission to disobey authority and be persistent. I was furious when he told me this. I marched into the school the next day and blasted them. His teacher was extremely nice and appologized. She said the aid didn't quite understand fully that he couldn't smell it either. Well, DUH....why would they even have an activity to EXCLUDE A CHILD? What do these people think? Why would you intentionally have an activity which would make a child feel left out? I can totally relate to your story. I'd be furious too. That's like giving every child a lollipop and telling one child that they have to sit there and watch them eat it.

You know what? Sometimes I feel a little embarrassed if I begin to sound like I'm being over cautious about my daughter being around peanut products at friends houses. People do look at me like I'm totally paranoid, and think that I think they as supervisors aren't doing a good enough job. But I've found that most people who don't have to deal with this allergy are completely clueless of its seriousness. The key is to throw down some statistics (1 in 200 people have nut allergies) and come staight out with the fact that "if my daughter is anywhere near the stuff, she could die!" Parents don't want a death on their hands. Also, mention some of the other reactions that a child could have, like vomiting. No one wants a vomiting child on their hands either. Be honest and up front with caregivers. Don't act angry or disappointed, just continue to educate them and let them know that everything will be ok if they just follow a few precautions.

You can't overreact about your child's life threatening allergy. My wife has a first of the year talk with all our children's teachers where she explains this is a zero mistake thing. She also brings peanut-free snacks in a ziploc bag for when other children bring cupcakes or cookies from home and we don't want our children to be left out.

If someone acts like it is no big deal, explain the life of your child is a very big deal.

Thank you all for your comments! I believe I forgot to mention that the friend's mom was a dietician that works for a hospital. As a matter of fact, she is the one five years ago who told me about the Food Allergy Network and let me borrow her p.a. info. packet. That just made it all the more frustrating for me.

On another note, I recently visted a neighbor who was baking (rather burning) peanut butter cookies. The smell was so strong it made my eyes water. Fortunately, my daughter was next door at her other friend's house. I had to go next door to be sure she didn't pop in looking for me. Goodness, we can never let our guard down, can we!

WOW, Stacey..I sometimes wish I could stuff peanuts down ignorant people throats far enough to jam their wind pipe and say "gee, deal with it>!" SORRY. You just never know,
we made a friend and my son went to their house numerous times, I felt that I did a great job talking to mom, than one day she came over with a bag of snack mix, so proud because she "picked out all the peanuts>" I overreacted, I grabbed my son held him tight and asked her to put that outside,.. she hasn't called me for months. Oh well. I guess next time,I teach someone I need to ask them to tell me what they heard me say?

I know your first instinct might be to get angry, but remember people who haven't been educated well enough on this subject just DON'T KNOW. So many people have no idea of the seriousness.....like me for example...I'm an intelligent woman, openminded and eager to learn, but before my daughter was diagnosed I too was incredibly ignorant about this allergy and had a friend with it that I'm sorry to say, I didn't take seriously. It's like I couldn't believe an allergy to food could do this to someone. DOn't be to angry with the woman who "picked out the peanuts". It's not her fault she doesn't quite get it yet. I bet she does now though! Continue educating and we all need to be clear to people what "no nuts" means.