Well, we went to a b-day party today for a boy who is in our mom's club. It was held at a Chucky Cheese (where we feel safe) and the mother of the boy made her own cake. We went over the ingredients beforehand and last night at 10 she called to tell me she had added toppings to the cake including Plain M&Ms. The cake was a train and each part was a separate car, only one car had the M&MS. But my 3 year old didn't understand that one had the candy and others didn'tand I wasn't comfortable giving it to him. I think the mother was a little offending after going over the ingredients with me and keeping them only on one car. I was fine with keeping him away from the cake and leaving before everyone ate because I didn't want him to feel bad, but then a "friend" of mine who was there gave her daughter peanut crackers-because she was hungry and wouldn't eat the pizza. Our children were playing together before this and having a good time, so obviously I felt the need to keep my son away from her. I was completely floored that she would eat them right then and there not thinking of Tony's allergy. She is fully aware of the allergy and believe me I've shared the story of his reaction and how serious it is. So, I let my son play a couple more games, got him a balloon and left (after saying goodbye to the b-day boy's mother and thanking her pizza) My son wasn't aware of the cracker incident and was fine with not having the cake, so he had a great time. But now I'm upset that I didn't say anything to the mother, I consider her to be my friend and thought she was clear on the whole pa thing. Apparently not. Of course I came home and cried (after putting the little one down for a nap). I want to say something to her now, after I calm down, but can't seem to think of exactly how to put it. I would love some advice from others who have been in the same boat. TIA-Wendy
PS I'm certain the mom's were all discussing my departure, they think I'm paranoid as it is. The mother that did this today was one of the ones I thought I could trust [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/frown.gif[/img]
Wendy, I've gone through what you are going through with a very good friend who ate peanuts in front of my daughter, and I would never have expected her to do so. I also asked for advice here; you can read the thread titled "Need advice on responding to a peanut situation with a friend". However, since my friend and I haven't spoken since my last email to her, you may not want to follow my example exactly. [img]http://uumor.pair.com/nutalle2/peanutallergy/smile.gif[/img]
Like you, I find it really hard to speak up during the moment of the situation. I do what I need to do to keep my daughter safe, and then think about what I should have said after the fact. On the other hand, it does give you time to think about exactly what you want to say. I do think you should approach you friend, especially since you thought she was someone who really understood. Just be prepared that, as I did in my situation, you may not get the answer you want. I would explain to her how grateful you were to her for going over all the ingredients with you beforehand, because it shows you how much she has your child's best interests in mind. But tell her that even things that she would expect to be safe, like plain M&M's, may not be, and you have to check all the ingredients in order to feel that it's OK for your son to eat. (It she knew that plain M&M's weren't OK, and did it anyway just because they were just on one part of the cake, well, that's another case entirely.) We really do have to remind ourselves that other people just don't have the knowledge or experience that we do, and are just acting out of ignorance with no ill intentions.
Good luck; let us know how it goes.
I need to edit this to say that, after re-reading your post, I'm not sure whether it was the cake woman or the cracker woman that you wanted to say something to. I initially thought it was more the cake, but now I think more the cracker. If that's the case, then you are in exactly the same situation I was in, with a friend you thought understood eating actual peanut products in front of your child. You need to explain how peanut butter can get spead about on things, and about how serious contact reactions can be, and how contact with peanuts can become an ingestion if your son puts his fingers in his mouth. Again, ignorance is in play here. I tried to explain that to my friend, and her reply said that, although she understood that I had to keep my daughter safe, she still thought I overreacted. Which made it clear to me that she didn't understand at all. So, I think you should definitely try to talk to her, but you may get a response that will affect your relationship with her.
[This message has been edited by Kim M (edited October 19, 2003).]